


Keyframe

by heros_wings



Series: Verse 2 [2]
Category: GOT7
Genre: AU, Established Relationship, Internal Conflict, M/M, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-04-05 19:26:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19046827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heros_wings/pseuds/heros_wings
Summary: [Yesterday, Today  Sequel]Moving in with Jaebum was supposed to be exciting. Thrilling, even. Jinyoung should be happy. He was happy. Except Seoul wasn't home.





	1. Chapter 1

**_Keyframe_ **

_“n. —set in motion not by a series of jolting epiphanies but by tiny imperceptible differences between one ordinary day and the next, until entire years of your memory can be compressed into a handful of indelible images—which prevents you from rewinding the past, but allows you to move forward without endless buffering.”_

* * *

 

 “Do you think we’re moving too fast?”

Jinyoung’s mother turned to look at him, still holding the stack of books she just pulled off one of his shelves.

His Seoul apartment didn’t have much — just a single studio room with a twin bed, small desk between two narrow floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, little kitchenette, tiny closet, and wet bathroom. He was taking the few possessions he kept in the apartment and leaving the furniture — Jaebum had everything he needed anyway.

The thought made his heart flutter nervously in his chest. It made what was happening more real now that his things were packed up in boxes, ready to be moved into Jaebum’s apartment.

“You and Jaebum have been nearly inseparable since you were children,” his mother replied after a long pause.

It was the kind of non-answer she often gave when she wanted to avoid telling the truth to someone who needed to hear it. It didn’t make Jinyoung feel any better.

When Jaebum asked him just weeks ago to move in, Jinyoung had been ecstatic — the idea of living together started out thrilling and exciting. It was even _logical_. He spent more time at Jaebum's apartment than his own, and the days he spent in Seoul were beginning to outnumber the ones he spent at the farm. He told himself the move wasn’t a big change from what he had been doing for the past three months.

Except it _felt_ big. Much bigger, he realized, the closer the move-in date approached.

“Are you worried?” his mother asked after another long silence.

“I…” he chewed his bottom lip, “don’t know…”

The moment the words left his lips, he knew they were lies.

All he could think about was how moving in together was supposed to be a “big moment” in a couple’s relationship. Jinyoung and Jaebum were treating it like a practicality. A convenience rather than a step forward. And that bothered him.

He felt his mother’s fingertips touch his cheek. She smiled when he looked at her, and brushed his bangs back like she often did when he was a child. Back then, he had whined and jerked his head away, thinking the gesture annoying. Now, it was the kind of familiar comfort he needed. His shoulders relaxed and the knots in his stomach loosened.

“You know you don’t have to do this,” she said, gentle and understanding as always. “Jaebum will understand if you’re not ready.”

The knowledge that Jaebum would understand stabbed him in the gut with guilt. He felt so undeserving of that kind of love and patience.

“Thanks, mom.”

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly as he looked around his now empty apartment. The few photos he had hung up were gone, leaving the white walls empty and even a little lonely. He wasn’t sad to leave. The little space had always felt more like a hotel room — impersonal and reflective of Jinyoung’s reluctance to turn Seoul into anything resembling a home.

Jaebum’s apartment was different. Clean and neat but still warm and welcoming and lived-in. His kitchen was well-stocked and his couches covered with pillows and blankets and cat hair. The photos on his wall ranged from trendy modern art to cute, quirky digital cat prints. He had two cat towers shoved into one corner, cat toys scattered around the apartment, waiting to be stepped on in the middle of the night, and five cats who seemed to love Jinyoung almost as much as Jaebum. Jinyoung had already lost count of the number of times he had been woken up in the early hours of the morning to one of them howling as loudly as their little lungs would allow (which was, he learned, quite loud). More than once he had imagined himself there all the time, not just for a week or a few days.

Maybe it was _that_ thought that had twisted his stomach into a thousand knots. He had never wanted to call Seoul home — it was over-developed, loud, busy, and the skyscrapers that blocked the sky felt claustrophobic compared to the openness of the farm. But Jaebum made the city a little less overbearing.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. He smiled a bit when he saw the name on the screen. As if he had somehow known Jinyoung was thinking about him, Jaebum was calling. When he looked up, his mother had a knowing smile and amused gleam in her eye.

“Funny how the people we love always seem to know when we need them, isn’t it?” she said.

He smiled gratefully at her, before answering.

“We were just talking about you,” he greeted.

He felt the stiffness in his shoulders ease as Jaebum’s low chuckle came through the receiver.

_“Yeah?”_

He hummed back in response as he stepped out onto his small balcony for a little privacy as his mother finished packing away the last remaining books.

 _“I’m sorry I’m not there to help,”_ Jaebum said for what felt like the thousandth time that week.

Jinyoung sighed. It would be a lie if he said he wasn't disappointed. Jaebum had just been cast for a role in a variety show as one of the main music producers — he couldn't exactly skip a filming day to help move his boyfriend into his apartment. Especially one no one knew about…

“I know,” he couldn’t quite bring himself to say _‘it’s ok.’_

“How’s filming?”

Regardless of his own disappointment, he didn’t want Jaebum to feel guilty. And Jinyoung _was_ happy for him.

 _“Good,”_ Jinyoung could hear the forced casualness in his tone and imagined him holding back a smile. _“The kids they teamed me up with are really talented.”_

Jinyoung smiled. “That’s great.”

The show focused on three teams of rookie idols paired with different producers in the industry. They would create a song from scratch and perform it in a competition in front of a panel of judges. Jaebum never cared much about being on TV, but Jinyoung could tell how much the opportunity excited him.

 _“It feels like going back to my trainee days,”_ Jaebum said, _“The monthly evaluations…”_

They chatted a bit longer — Jaebum checking in on the progress of packing, and telling Jinyoung about all the different personalities on set. By the time they were saying goodbye, Jaebum was apologizing again.

_“I really am sorry, Jinyoung-ah.”_

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “Please stop saying that. I know you wanted to help.”

_“I’ll make it up to you tonight?”_

Jinyoung smiled again. “Yeah,” the temporary calm that had come with Jaebum’s call was slowly receding again. “See you.”

They hung up and Jinyoung was feeling no better than he had earlier.

He went back inside to finish packing. If his mother noticed anything off about him, she remained mercifully silent about it. As always, Jinyoung admired her ability to know exactly what to say, and when to say nothing at all.

They finished packing and loaded the truck mostly in silence. As he closed his apartment door for the final time, Jinyoung felt like he was jumping from a cliff with no safety net below to catch him.

The feeling only grew as they drove to Jaebum’s apartment in the new pickup truck he finally bought (though his father still refused to sell the old one). He had driven the same road so many times before. Had smiled at the same parking attendant who knew him as well as the other residents now. Except this time, when he rolled down his window for a parking pass, he was handed a resident pass to stick on his windshield instead of the visitor’s pass, which hung on his mirror.

As he drove through the garage and past the guest parking to the spaces closer to the elevator lobby doors, he felt his stomach twisting again. The feeling of _no turning back_ became so much more real and tangible now.

He pulled into the parking spot with the number matching the one on his sticker. Next to it, he knew, was where Jaebum’s car would be later. Sighing, he shut off the engine. He felt silly for worrying so much. And he felt selfish for wishing Jaebum was there.

“Ready?” his mother looked at him from the passenger’s seat.

With a deep breath, he nodded and opened the driver-side door. “Yeah.”  


It didn’t take long to move his boxes from the car to the fifth floor. Jaebum even arranged for one of the building attendants to meet them. Jinyoung had just put down the back of the truck bed when a kindly middle-aged man came out to offer help.

“It’s no problem,” he smiled when Jinyoung put up a weak protest. He took one of the boxes. “It’s what I’m here for.”

Despite the man’s reassurances, Jinyoung felt strange. He knew Jaebum lived in a nice apartment, but having attendants who helped move in new residents seemed too extravagant. As if no one deserved to have that kind of luxury, much less Jinyoung.

He made a mental note to thank and tip the man (would that be too pretentious, he wondered?). As they entered the elevator and punched the button to the fifth floor, he felt the distance between the Jaebum he knew and the Jaebum that Seoul knew, grow. He always thought they were the same person, but it was harder to ignore the little things he never paid much attention to during his short visits now.

The doors opened to a hall with just two apartments on the entire floor. Jaebum’s door was on the opposite the wall from the elevator.

He entered the code he knew by heart and the locks whirred to life before the customary beep indicated the door was unlocked. He smiled as Odd poked his nose out and forced Jinyoung to put his leg in the opening first to make sure he didn’t escape. This, at least, felt familiar.

After just three trips, all of his things had been moved into the apartment. Most of his clothes were already in the closet and a drawer Jaebum had cleared out for him when it had become clear Jinyoung spent no time at his own apartment. He didn’t even know what to do with the box half packed with kitchen items - Jaebum had everything they needed.

 _I guess you can never have too many mugs_ , he thought wryly.

After being refused twice by the attendant when he tried handing him a five thousand won bill, Jinyoung was left helplessly bowing and thanking him profusely as he left.

“It was my pleasure,” he had said, “Jaebum- _ssi_ is one of my favorite tenants.”

Jinyoung bowed again just before the door shut behind him.

Sighing, he looked around the empty apartment. Even with the boxes piled in the open living room, it still looked spacious. Bereu wound around his legs and blinked up at him when Jinyoung looked down. He meowed and reared on his hind legs, rubbing against Jinyoung’s knee before sauntering off towards the kitchen.

His mother chuckled. “I think you’ve already cleared the toughest hurdle,” she joked. “Pets can be as hard as the parents sometimes.”

Jinyoung grinned, feeling just a little more at ease now that he was standing in the apartment — _their_ apartment. It still felt odd thinking of it like that, but it at least the thought was a little less daunting than it had been an hour ago. His stomach still felt like it was tied in several knots.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” his mother was frowning now. She had done a very good job concealing her worry, but Jinyoung could finally see the concern finally peeking through her neutral expression.

He smiled, knowing she wouldn’t fall for his feigned confidence. Still, he couldn’t burden her with something that was between him and Jaebum.

“I’m fine.”

When she looked unconvinced, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug. “Really...I don’t have much, and Jaebum will help when he...gets back.”

He had almost said _“comes home”_ and stumbled on the words. It felt too...new.

When he stepped away, his mother still looked reluctant to leave. Finally, she let out a deep sigh and pulled him into another hug. “You’ll be home in a few weeks?”

He gave her a small, reassuring squeeze. “Yeah...Jaebum is driving us.”

“And you’ll make sure Yugyeom stays out of trouble?”

Jinyoung chuckled. Yugyeom had accepted a couple modeling jobs through Bambam’s contacts and moved to Seoul just a week ago after officially signing with an agency. He and Bambam apparently made _excellent_ roommates.

“I’ll try.”

When they parted again, his mother smiled and touched his cheek one last time before stepping away.

He saw her to the door, and promised again to look after Yugyeom and to come home often.

“And tell Jaebum to call his mother,” she added, sounding fondly exasperated. “I swear sometimes I think you tell me more about her son than he tells his own mother.”

Jinyoung promised he would.

Once the door finally clicked shut behind her, the apartment felt suddenly too quiet, too empty, and too big. As familiar as it had become over the past three months, Jinyoung still felt like a guest. The boxes full of his things were out of place, and Jaebum’s absence weighed on him even more now that his mother was no longer there as a distraction.

He rolled his shoulders as if to physically relieve himself of the feeling — the strangeness — that was beginning to creep up his spine and along his skin. He was being ridiculous. This was Jaebum’s apartment. And now it was _his_ and Jaebum’s apartment.

The initial elation he felt when Jaebum first asked him weeks ago returned to him like a memory. He clung to it like a lifeline. _This_ , he told himself, was how he should feel.

He looked at the boxes piled in the living room — Odd and Cake were already perched on top of them. With renewed energy, he shooed Odd off one and opened it to reveal several notebooks with early outlines and drafts of his current novel series. He pulled them out and placed them on the shelving unit Jaebum had clearly emptied just for him. He felt his heart swell in his chest, thinking about how easily Jaebum had made room for him.

This was ok, he thought, placing another stack of notebooks on the shelf. With each thing he tucked away on a shelf or some other place in the apartment, Jinyoung felt a little less like a stranger and a little more like he belonged there.

His movies joined Jaebum’s own collection, a few knick-knacks he didn’t know what to do with now sat next to a brightly colored cat statue Jaebum had put on an end table or next to one of his awards or some other item. It still felt strange seeing his things mixed in with Jaebum’s. Not wrong or out-of-place. Just different.

After unpacking most of his boxes, he finally checked the time — it was nearly 10pm. Jaebum still hadn't returned.

Exhausted, Jinyoung sent him a quick text before showering and collapsing into bed — _their_ bed, he realized with a jolt. His phone buzzed on the nightstand. He blindly reached for it and turned on his side to read the message from Jaebum. His heart sunk.

_‘We’re still filming :(‘_

The message was sent at 10:21pm and Jaebum hadn’t said when he would be back. Jinyoung sighed. So much for a romantic “first night.” The moment he thought it, he grinned, a little embarrassed at himself for having such an expectation.

_‘Did you eat?’_

He hadn’t expected a reply, but when one came immediately, Jinyoung felt his heart give a happy little jump. Even if the message _was_ short: _‘I did.’_

They took the few moments they had during Jaebum’s break to chat — Jinyoung relayed his mother’s message to him, and they joked about how keeping Yugyeom out of trouble with Bambam as his newest designated “best friend” was like strapping wings to a pig and telling it to fly.

By the time Jaebum told him he had to get back to filming, Jinyoung was feeling better than he had all day

_‘Get some sleep, Jinyoung. I love you.’_

_‘You too, hyung.’_

Despite Jaebum’s words, Jinyoung did his best to stay awake. He hadn’t even realized he’d fallen asleep until Jaebum entered the room — _their room_ — hours later. Jinyoung tried to convince his sleep-heavy limbs to move, but they refused. All he could manage was to crack one bleary eye open and watch Jaebum move around the room in the light from the bedside lamp he had left on. His eyes drifted shut again just as Jaebum left for the bathroom.

Minutes later, Jinyoung heard him return, whispering something soft and affectionate to Nora as he entered the room. Finally, the mattress dipped under his weight as he climbed in behind Jinyoung. Jaebum leaned over him to flick off the lamp, before he settled back again.

Jinyoung caught his arm before he could disappear onto his own side of the bed.

“Welcome home,” he mumbled.

Jaebum moved so his arm was more securely around Jinyoung’s waist. He pulled Jinyoung closer and kissed the back of his shoulder before burying his face into the crook of his neck.

 “I’m sorry,” he muttered, tightening his hold.

Jinyoung stroked the back of Jaebum’s hand.

“It’s ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a really hard time pulling away from this verse after Yesterday, Today. There were a lot of unresolved issues that never got addressed between Jinyoung and Jaebum. This fic is only 6 chapters but I've been working on it for months! I am still in love with the characters in this verse, and hope you all enjoy the second part of Jinyoung and Jaebum's story!


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Jinyoung awoke to the sun shining through the small crack of Jaebum’s blackout curtains. Nora bumped her head into his and purred when he reached up to scratch her ears. He didn’t need to turn around to know he was waking up alone. The absence of Jaebum’s slow, heavy breaths was enough.

Sighing, he threw off the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed as he sat up. He checked the time on his phone — it was nearly noon. He didn’t have any plans for the day, and assumed Jaebum would be filming or recording or doing whatever it was he had to do (he tried not to feel bitter, after all, their work didn't stop just because he no longer had a separate apartment).

He scratched Nora’s ears again, then stood. He could at least finish unpacking. Maybe he could even get some writing done. Despite releasing the fourth book of his series just weeks ago, his publisher was already hounding him about finishing the outline for the final installment. He hadn’t been able to put a single word to a page in days…

After breakfast, he unpacked the mugs, chopsticks, and few pots he brought with him. He had just emptied the box when the doorbell rang. Thinking Jaebum must be getting a delivery, he went into the entryway and checked the intercom. When he saw two familiar gangly figures making faces at the camera, he snorted back a laugh and unlocked the door.

“What possessed Jaebum to give you two his address?”

Yugyeom grinned as he and Bambam stepped into the apartment. Jinyoung had seen Yugyeom two weeks ago at his book release event, but somehow, he looked taller. Maybe it was the black skinny jeans he started to favor over the dirty jeans and breeches Jinyoung was so used to seeing him in.

“Nice to see you too, _hyung_ ,” Yugyeom said.

“We’re here to rescue you,” Bambam added.

Jinyoung blinked, and their grins widened.

Yugyeom threw an arm around his shoulders. “Jaebum- _hyung_ told us to keep you company today.”

When Jinyoung fixed them with a disbelieving look, Bambam pulled out his phone and showed him a text that was unmistakably from Jaebum.

_‘He’ll deny it, but he probably wants to see Yugyeom,’_ one of the messages said.

Jinyoung didn’t know whether he should feel touched that Jaebum had been thinking of him, or annoyed that he felt like he needed to ask Bambam and Yugyeom to babysit him.

“I didn’t know you missed me so much,” Yugyeom crooned.

Jinyoung jerked away from him with a scowl. “I don’t.”

“Not according to Jaebum- _hyung_ ,” Yugyeom smirked. He ducked when Jinyoung swung at his head.

“Come on,” Bambam pouted cutely at him. “It’ll be fun! Jaebum said you don’t get out much when you’re in Seoul.”

That was _intentional_ he wanted to retort back. He had always hated Seoul.

Not having it in him to argue, he let Yugyeom push him towards the bedroom. Bambam followed, mouth moving a mile a minute as he told Jinyoung all the plans he had for them that day — shopping, shopping, and more shopping. Basically.

“I _have_ clothes,” he grumbled when Yugyeom shoved him onto the bed.

“Three pairs of jeans and a few hoodies don’t count as _clothes._ Especially when most of them have horse hair and hay stuck in the pockets.”

Jinyoung glared at him. “Two modeling jobs and you think you're an expert on fashion now?”

Yugyeom gestured to his own outfit, as if saying, _‘obviously_. _’_

“You really don’t own much do you?” Bambam said as he rummaged around in the small walk-in closet.

“I keep most of my clothes at home,” he said.

Bambam popped his head out of the closet and looked at him curiously. “You’re not living here full time?”

Jinyoung’s ears reddened. “No.”

He watched as Yugyeom and Bambam exchanged looks and tried not to feel too annoyed about it.

Standing, he strode over to the dresser and pulled out a pair of jeans, then shoved Bambam out of the closet and grabbed his favorite blue and white striped shirt.

“I don’t think—” Bambam snapped his mouth shut under Jinyoung’s glare.

After changing, he let Bambam wrap a navy blue scarf around his neck and reluctantly accepted one of Jaebum’s leather jackets.

“We’ll get you a whole new wardrobe today!” Bambam exclaimed excitedly as they left the apartment. He looked like a kid about to be set loose in a candy store.

“Can’t wait,” Jinyoung muttered with much less enthusiasm.

They took the elevator down to the parking garage, where a white Audi sat in guest parking. Yugyeom pulled the keys out of his pocket and unlocked it with a _beep_.

“When did you get your _license_?” he asked, shocked.

Yugyeom grinned. “Last week.”

“And you can already afford this?”

Yugyeom shrugged. “I mean...technically, not yet, but that’s what loans are for, right?”

Jinyoung opened his mouth, ready to lecture about proper financial responsibility, then thought better of it as Yugyeom opened the driver side door and dropped into his seat behind the wheel. He opened the back door and slid into the backseat as Bambam plopped next to Yugyeom in the front.

The car smelled of new leather and carpet. He looked at Yugyeom, still seeing the boy who followed him around the barn, his cheeks dirty and his clothes covered in horse hair. The young man with his long fingers wrapped around the sleek black steering wheel of a luxury car seemed so far away from that kid.

He sat back as they pulled out of the garage. Yugyeom and Bambam shouted back and forth over the music they had cranked up unnecessarily, leaving Jinyoung to stare out the window, grateful he wasn’t expected to participate.

Seoul crawled by as they navigated through the midday traffic. The bright, cloudless blue sky was tinted dark by the car windows. He looked up at the skyscrapers. The giant, concrete monsters felt as oppressive as they always did. Sighing, he thought about how perfect of a day it was despite being the early days of December. He would much rather be riding than trapped in a car inching along in city traffic.

“ _HYUNG!”_ Yugyeom shouted over the music.

Jinyoung jumped and looked at him, irritated. “What!” he shouted back.

Yugyeom turned down the volume and looked at him through the rearview mirror. “Do you want to go to Myeongdong, Hongdae, or Gangnam first?”

_First_. Jinyoung really didn't want to think about what that word implied.

“Let’s go to Gangnam,” Bambam said. “I know some people…we can get discounts.”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and went back to staring out the window.

They pulled into a garage somewhere in Gangnam Jinyoung vaguely recognized from one of his earlier book signing events. Bambam led him past high-end boutiques owned by Korean and foreign designers. Whenever Jinyoung peered into one of the windows, the racks and shelves in each shop had only few items on display and appeared nearly empty of customers. It was as if everything in the shops were for viewing only rather than for purchase.

The first shop they walked in was brightly lit with black wood floors and white walls. Unlike the shops around it, there was no feeling of “look don’t touch.” The shelves and racks were full without being crammed, and each item was perfectly folded or spaced as if they had never been disturbed. Jinyoung wondered if employees followed customers around and place everything _just so_ after an item had been handled.

“Bambam!”

Jinyoung had just enough time to see a blur of lavender hair rush past him before Bambam was engulfed in a tight hug.

“Hi Jiyong,” Bambam chuckled, hugging her back briefly before letting go.

The girl looked about Bambam and Yugyeom’s age. Her dyed lavender hair was pulled back in a high ponytail, making her look young and lively. She hugged Yugyeom as well, before looking at Jinyoung. Her mouth dropped open in a small “o” of recognition.

“You must be Jinyoung!”

Startled by her cheerfulness, Jinyoung stumbled a bit over his words. “U-uh…yeah...it’s nice to meet you.”

She beamed. "I love your books! I finished the last one in a day.”

“Oh,” He blinked, shocked but admittedly pleased. He smiled back. “Thanks.”

“Jiyong is an assistant for one of Youngjae’s other stylists,” Yugyeom explained.

“Is this your shop?” Jinyoung asked.

“I wish,” she joked, waving a dismissive hand. “I just work here when I'm not doing shoots.”

Bambam rifled through one of the nearby racks. “Anything new?”

Jiyong shot him an annoyed look. “Only everything. You haven’t been here since the spring collection.”

“I was on a _world tour_ remember?”

Jiyong scoffed playfully. “Well lucky for you, our winter collection is even better.” She waved them to follow her.

And so began one of the longest days of Jinyoung’s life.

After Jiyong made him try on nearly half the store and Bambam _insisted_ he buy at least half of what he tried on, they were off to another shop of another acquaintance who spent the entire visit talking to Jinyoung about every detail of his last novel and how he hoped the two characters found happiness eventually. Jinyoung smiled ruefully when he asked about the next release, and truthfully replied that he didn’t know himself.

After spending _way_ too much on a pair of pants and a couple of shirts Bambam refused to let him put back, they left for the next shop, where Jinyoung bought two new pairs of shoes and a new scarf.

Just as he was longing for the quiet apartment or even the farm, they were dropping his bags into the trunk of Yugyeom’s car and heading to Hongdae, where, mercifully, they stopped at a cafe first.

Jinyoung checked his phone — not even 5pm. He sighed. Three hours had passed and both Yugyeom and Bambam seemed as though they could go another three.

“Just a couple more places,” Yugyeom insisted when Jinyoung asked how much longer they were going to drag him around.

He wasn’t _unhappy_ , really. He liked the new clothes he bought and even admitted the wardrobe change was badly needed. He was just tired.

He checked his phone again. He had also been waiting for a text or call from Jaebum all day. Nothing. He fought the urge to message him. They had always gone about their normal work whenever Jinyoung was in the city — living together didn’t change anything. Knowing that didn't keep the sigh from escaping his lips.

_“Hyung_ , _”_ Yugyeom’s voice made him look up. He was frowning at Jinyoung as if he knew what he was thinking. “Are you ok?”

Jinyoung pocketed his phone and finished off the last of his Americano. “Yeah…”

Yugyeom continued to stare, unconvinced. After a few, long moments, he finally stood.

“Just a couple more places...there’s a cool accessory shop I wanted to check out.”

Jinyoung didn’t bother pointing out he didn’t _wear_ accessories.

After letting Bambam pay for their coffee (“A rare treat,” Yugyeom grinned, earning a punch to the arm from Bambam), they headed out again.

 

* * *

  
Hours later, Jinyoung was finally released from the custody of Yugyeom and Bambam's over enthusiastic attempt to give him a complete makeover by the end of the day. While he narrowly escaped their insistence that he would look “hot” with an earring, he allowed them to drag him into a hair salon, where the stylist trimmed the dead ends and even convinced him to dye his hair. A decision he regretted immediately.

He ran his hands through his hair again. The silky locks felt more foreign to him than the fake black frame glasses Bambam placed on him and refused to let him remove. He couldn't help but stare at himself in the reflective surface of the elevator doors. His hair was barely a shade lighter than his natural black, but the dark brown still looked as strange to him as if he had dyed it blond.

“Stop fussing,” Yugyeom said next to him as the elevator pinged, announcing their arrival on the fifth floor of Jaebum's ( _Jinyoung_ and Jaebum's) apartment. He picked up the bags he was helping carry and led the way down the hall.

“Yeah,” Bambam grinned, swinging the one bag clutched in his hand. “You look hot.”

Jinyoung flushed. He had never considered himself _hot_.

It was with some trepidation that he punched in the code and opened the door. He wondered what Jaebum would say when he saw him in designer frames and brown hair. Would he like it? Would he prefer the Jinyoung — tainted by a single afternoon shopping in Seoul — to the one whose jeans were worn and damaged because of age, not because he bought them off a shelf that way? Was _he_ , Jinyoung, going to fit into Jaebum’s life just because he changed his hair and clothes? Would they make Seoul feel less oppressive and more like home?

The questions and worries tumbling over each other came to an abrupt halt when they entered the apartment. His jaw dropped.

There was soft, jazzy music playing through the dimly lit apartment, and the unmistakable scent of garlic. Yugyeom and Bambam followed him into the spacious sitting room, where he could see Jaebum in the kitchen. He was standing at the stove with his back to them, wearing a black apron Jinyoung knew had a cute cat face on the front.

There was a low, impressed whistle from Yugyeom as he and Bambam set the bags down behind the couch. Jaebum spun around, his eyes widening when he realized Jinyoung wasn’t alone. Or — he watched Jaebum’s eyes sweep over his new look — maybe he didn’t recognize Jinyoung any more than he recognized himself...

“I think that's our cue to leave,” Yugyeom said, shooting them a somewhat lecherous grin.

Before either Jaebum or Jinyoung could come up with a retort, Yugyeom and Bambam scampered out of the apartment, closing the door with near identical cackling laughter.

“Brats,” Jaebum muttered.

Jinyoung smiled. “What is all this?”

“Surprise,” he lengthened the second syllable and lifted his voice teasingly as he walked around the breakfast bar separating the kitchen from the living room. He stopped just in front of Jinyoung and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

“We just had a morning recording today,” he said. “I wanted to surprise you.”

“Is that why Bambam and Yugyeom practically kidnapped me?”

Jaebum's smile widened. “Maybe.”

He dipped his head again, this time kissing Jinyoung properly.

“I like the new look.”

Heat flared across his face as Jaebum ran his fingers through his hair.

“Did they have to chain you to the chair?” he joked.

Jinyoung scoffed and smacked his hand away. He thought hearing Jaebum's compliments would ease the alien feeling he had since he first saw himself in the salon mirror, but he still didn't feel like himself. Wanting to change the subject to anything else, he looked around the apartment. The few boxes he had left in the living room were gone.

“You put my things away?” he asked.

Jaebum hummed and ran his fingers through Jinyoung's hair again. Jinyoung found himself wishing he wouldn't.

“I thought you might be tired after babysitting.”

Jaebum had put everything almost exactly where Jinyoung would have. His eyes caught on a plain white desk placed in a little nook that used to have a tall cat tower, which now sat in the opposite corner. Jaebum had made him a work space.

“Did you just buy this today?” he asked, walking over and running his fingertips over the smooth surface of the desk in awe. Jaebum had placed his laptop, current planning notebook, and well-worn writing guides on top. He had even bought new pens and put them in a cute mug that had a black cartoon cat and the words _‘You’re purrrrrfect’_ written above it.

“I ordered it a week ago and didn't have a chance to set it up before you got here,” Jaebum replied. “Do you like it?”

Jinyoung turned, wrapped his arms around Jaebum's neck, and kissed him. “I love it.”

The smile Jaebum gave him made Jinyoung lean forward again. The feel of Jaebum's lips against his and the warm, strong embrace he held him in, were almost enough to forget the worries that had plagued him the previous night and that morning.

When they parted again, he stepped back with a grin. “I got you something too.”

He led Jaebum to the pile of bags and plucked out a small black gift bag with a simple gold logo on the front from an accessory shop in Hongdae. Jaebum took it with a surprised, but pleased smile.

Jinyoung shifted uneasily as he pulled out the small black box and opened it. He didn’t know much about earrings or jewelry, but the moment he saw the set, he couldn’t help himself.

Jaebum’s smile widened. The box held two silver earrings: one a simple, single hoop, the second, a hoop with three fine chains dangling from it. At the end of one chain was a moon, the other two held stars.

“Do you like it?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious. He knew Jaebum wore dangling earrings, but they were often much less delicate than the pair Jinyoung picked out.

Jaebum hooked his finger and thumb under Jinyoung’s chin and tilted it up. The kiss left him feeling warm and weak like it was the first time Jaebum had ever kissed him so sweetly.

“I love it.”

He kissed Jinyoung one more time before stepping back.

“Dinner's gonna burn,” he grinned.

Chuckling, Jinyoung took the box from him.

“Is this to make up for yesterday?” he asked, sliding into one of the barstools at the breakfast counter.

He removed the fake frames, placing them next to the earring box. Now he felt just a little more like himself.

Jaebum had his back to him again but the tips of his ears reddened as he dropped pasta into the now boiling pot of water. “Maybe.”

Jinyoung’s smile widened, full of affection for the man in front of him. He knew Jaebum would rather have _jjigae_ with heaps of rice and _banchan_ but he knew Jinyoung loved pasta.

“You didn’t have to do this,” he said once Jaebum finished and they were sitting across from each other at the small glass dining table.

The squid ink spaghetti with clam and calamari was simply made with white wine, garlic, lemon, and olive oil. Jinyoung took a deep breath. It smelled amazing.

Jaebum smiled back and poured him a glass of his favorite rose wine. “I know.”

Feeling better than he had in days, Jinyoung twirled the spaghetti around his fork and speared a piece of squid. The salty taste mingled well with the sharpness of the lemon and lingering bitterness from the wine. He chewed carefully, fighting back a teasing grin as Jaebum stared at him expectantly.

“It’s good.”

Jaebum's shoulders sagged in relief. Neither of them were particularly _good_ cooks. The few times they had cooked dinner together, the dishes had been simple and quick. The earlier fondness swelled when he thought of how hard Jaebum must have worked. And it was all for him.

“The jazz music is a nice touch,” he teased.

He bit back a laugh when Jaebum choked on his pasta. Coughing, he reached for his wine and nearly drained the glass. When he finally looked at Jinyoung again, his cheeks were pink.

“I like jazz,” he replied evasively.

“Don’t lie,” Jinyoung chuckled. “You’re a cheesy romantic.”

“Says the guy who writes romance novels for a living.”

No matter how much he denied it, they both knew Jaebum was the romantic one. It was a side of him that had come unexpectedly and to his surprise, Jinyoung loved every bit of it. From the little love notes Jaebum sometimes left on the bedside table, to late night texts asking him if he had eaten, to even the giant bouquet of red roses he sent to Jinyoung’s home after he published his novel. And now this dinner.

He watched Jaebum take another bite of pasta and suck a stray noodle into his mouth, before licking the excess oil from his lips. Well, _that_ wasn’t distracting at all, he thought, quickly looking back at his own plate.

The normalcy of having dinner together — the way Jaebum so easily made his heart flutter giddily in his chest as if Jinyoung were a teenager again — made him feel so silly for being upset the previous night. Jaebum loved him. He wanted Jinyoung there. He wanted to be with Jinyoung.

He was just busy. Of course he was busy. Jinyoung _knew_ that. Hell, _he_ was busy. Tomorrow he had a meeting to discuss his next novel, a photoshoot for some book magazine he’d already forgotten the name of, and a book signing in the evening. They each had their own careers. Their own lives. He knew it would be like this.

So why did he feel the flutter in his chest grow into an ache for something more? Something he didn’t even have a name for and couldn’t explain even to himself…

“Hey…” Jaebum’s voice made him look up. He was looking at Jinyoung in concern. “Is everything ok?”

Jinyoung smiled and picked up his wine glass.

“Of course,” he said, “Just thinking.”

Jaebum looked as if he wanted to ask what he was thinking about, but convinced himself to let it go. For that, Jinyoung was grateful, even if it made him feel guilty. He should be able to tell Jaebum anything...

He spent the rest of their dinner pretending he hadn’t been plagued by thoughts of _‘we’re making a mistake’_ and the feeling that he would lose himself. That the city he hated so much and had taken so much from him would consume him as well. He didn’t know what was more terrifying — finding out he could never truly fit into the world Jaebum was a part of, or becoming part of it.

“You really do look good, by the way,” Jaebum said suddenly. He was smiling at Jinyoung, eyeing him appreciatively. “Brown suits you.”

Snorting, Jinyoung finished off the last of his wine and poured himself another glass.

“I look ridiculous,” he muttered.

Jaebum kicked him lightly under the table. “You don’t.”

“I don’t want to hear it from the guy who bleached his hair blond for a year,” he retorted.

The look of shock on Jaebum’s face made him laugh genuinely for the first time in what felt like days.

“Yah—” he protested weakly,

Jinyoung only laughed harder, goading him to stand and round the table with another jab, “Then there was the mullet—”

Jaebum pushed his chair from the table, swooped down, and silenced his taunts with a kiss. He swung his leg over the chair and perched himself on Jinyoung’s thighs, so he was straddled across him.

“Excuse me for trying something new,” he said, before leaning forward again.

Jinyoung grinned against his lips and let his eyes flutter close. This was nice — the weight of Jaebum on top of him, the warmth of his skin as Jinyoung slipped his hand beneath the hem of his shirt and slid it along his lower back, the feel of Jaebum’s hand gripping the newly-dyed strands of hair at the back of his neck...

He missed this feeling. The one that only Jaebum could give him. The security. The comfort. The feeling that so long as he had Jaebum, the world wasn’t so scary...

Jinyoung's hands slid further up his back as a new feeling stirred inside him. He and Jaebum hadn't seen each other since the book release event, and even then, they had parted too early the next morning...

Chuckling, Jaebum pulled back. “We have to do dishes.”

Jinyoung threw his head back with a groan. “Neat freak.”

“I have _five cats_ ,” he replied, “We can't just leave seafood on the table.”

Sighing, Jinyoung reluctantly let Jaebum slide out of his arms.

They cleaned up the remnants of dinner, and once Jaebum filled the cat dish, Jinyoung was pulling him forward again by the front of his shirt. Grinning, Jaebum leaned down, placing his hands on Jinyoung's hips and guiding him backwards until his back pressed against the wall. Jaebum's tongue teased along the seam of his lip. He parted them eagerly, pulling Jaebum closer as his thigh slip between Jinyoung’s own…

He felt like he had been parched and starving for weeks and Jaebum was his bread and water. He buried his fingers in Jaebum's hair and angled his hips so Jaebum's thigh rubbed against the front of his jeans. He had been craving this closeness. This familiar presence of Jaebum's body against his.

Jaebum responded with low moan in the back of his throat and rolled his hips so Jinyoung could feel him growing hard beneath his jeans. A warm coil of pleasure tightened and went straight to his own growing arousal.

He pushed off the wall and spun, pulling Jaebum forward as they kissed and stumbled their way to the bedroom — _their_ bedroom, he remembered, with a reality-crashing jolt. There was an indignant noise from Nora as they tumbled onto the bed, interrupting her nap and dislodging her from her spot.

Snickering, Jaebum pulled away just long enough to apologize to his “favorite girl” before he returned his attentions back to Jinyoung, who was still reeling from the realization that he wasn't in Jaebum's bedroom. He was in _his_ and Jaebum's bedroom. He wasn't in _Jaebum's_ bed, but _his_ and Jaebum's…

There was a weight to it. A permanence that had seemed so secure and comforting before was suddenly suffocating.

He could feel Jaebum's lips on his neck and his hands on his stomach, creeping higher under his shirt. His mind was miles away as Jaebum’s lips found the spot on his neck that always had him arching up into him whenever he sucked at the sensitive skin.

He thought about waking up alone that morning. About feeling out of place and _foreign_ when he had always felt at home before. He thought about Jaebum, putting his things away and even moving his own so Jinyoung could have his own space. He thought about how easy this all seemed for him and wondered if Jaebum was just putting on an act so Jinyoung wouldn’t see that he was terrified too…

He moved his head to the side and let out a quiet sigh.

Jaebum stopped. The hands creeping to the waistband of his jeans stilled just above his hips. Jinyoung fought back an unpleasant shiver when the warmth of Jaebum's breath left his neck.

“Not to complain or take offense,” he said, drawing back enough so they could look at each other. He was smiling but Jinyoung could see the rising concern in his eyes. “But you’re usually louder than this…” his gaze flicked down momentarily before his smile widened. “Harder too.”

If it was a different day, Jinyoung might have laughed. Tonight, he could only sigh again.

“Sorry…”

Jaebum frowned. “Is something wrong?”

_No._

_Maybe._

_Yes_.

“Do you think this is too soon?” the words spilled from his lips before he could stop them, and he wished he could take them back if only so he wouldn’t see the flash of hurt and confusion in Jaebum’s expression as he sat up straighter. The sudden loss of heat left Jinyoung cold.

Jaebum eyed him cautiously. As one might before they asked a question they knew they wouldn't like the answer to. “Is what too soon?”

Jinyoung hesitated.

“Moving in together.”

A short pause passed before them before Jaebum replied, “Do you think it’s too soon?”

_No._

_Yes._

_Maybe._

“I don’t know.”

He could see the sting of his words shoot through Jaebum as if Jinyoung had physically cut him. Slowly, Jaebum rolled off him and sat on the bed, legs crossed, picking at a loose thread on the bottom of his jeans. He looked so vulnerable and unsure. Jinyoung's heart ached.

He wished he could take his words back. Wished the insecurities and doubts and fears would stop telling him everything was going to crash and burn because they thought they were in love when it was just the bittersweet nostalgia of a childhood crush. He thought back to his conversation with his mother, remembering the unease then, too. The feeling that they weren’t treating the move like anything more than a convenience...

He wished he could make sense of the uneasiness inside him. He didn't know if it was because he was afraid of his relationship with Jaebum changing or because he was trying to fit into a place he didn't belong. Seoul had always been the place that had stolen Jaebum from him. And now he was imagining what it might be like to stay for more than a few weeks at a time. He wanted to silence the voice that told him he didn’t belong in Seoul. And he wished the voice telling him it could be home wasn’t so enticing.

He felt like he was free falling with nothing but the cold, hard ground to break his fall.

He closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Jaebum didn’t respond. Didn’t even move. Jinyoung felt fear grip his chest. What if this was it. What if this one moment was what he had been afraid of. The moment where Jaebum realized that he wanted more than what Jinyoung could give him…

He thought about his disappointment that Jaebum hadn’t helped him move in, and the loneliness when he woke up alone that morning.

Maybe it was Jinyoung who wanted too much…

He jumped when he felt a gentle touch against his forehead. Jaebum carded his fingers through Jinyoung’s hair, pushing his bangs from his face. He opened his eyes and felt his heart lurch. Jaebum was looking at him as if Jinyoung held his heart in one hand and a hammer in another, ready to shatter it with a single swing.

“I love you, Jinyoung,” he said quietly. He brushed his fingers through Jinyoung’s hair again. “Nothing will change that. If you’re not ready, then you can stay here until you find a new place.”

Jinyoung swallowed. He didn’t _want_ his own apartment. He wanted to be with Jaebum. He just wished his head and his heart were in the same place.

He reached up and grabbed the hand still combing through his hair. Smiling, he laced their fingers together and pressed his lips to the back of Jaebum’s hand. Their eyes never left each other. He felt his confidence returning the way it often did when Jaebum looked at him like the world began and ended with him.

“I love you, too,” he replied. He tugged gently, coaxing Jaebum to lie down next to him. He kept their hands laced together. “I don’t want a new place.”

Jaebum stared at him, as if he knew Jinyoung was hiding something. Like before, he let it go. He lifted their hands and returned the soft kiss to the back of Jinyoung’s hand. A silent reassurance that he would be there when Jinyoung was ready to tell him.

They fell asleep like that — their hands clasped together, eyes fighting to stay open as they watched the other be pulled down by sleep. Whatever internal crisis he was going through, he wasn’t going to burden Jaebum with it. Jinyoung wanted to be where Jaebum was. Everything else would have to work out on its own.


	3. Chapter 3

_“Hyung!”_  

Youngjae’s cheerful voice made Jinyoung look up. It was hard to believe there was a time he wished Youngjae had never entered Jaebum’s life. He smiled and waved from his spot in the little corner of a small cafe not far from Youngjae’s company.

His laptop sat open in front of him on a stylishly worn wooden table he had covered in notes for the last novel in his series. He thought a change in setting would help dispel the writer’s block that had been plaguing him for weeks, but his outline remained as skeletal as it was a week ago (“Just get us _something_ ,” his publisher had pleaded).

Youngjae plopped in front of him, his face mask pulled down under his chin. Jinyoung never thought he would be so happy to have someone distract him away from writing.

He had been in Seoul for two weeks, and while he had fallen into a routine with his promotion schedules, the lingering loneliness from that first night returned each time he fell asleep and woke up alone. Jaebum had been getting home after midnight most nights and was back out again before 7. Even Yugyeom and Bambam had only seen him once since that first day.

“New hair?” Youngjae grinned. “It looks good.”

Jinyoung smiled and thanked him. More than once he had strolled past beauty shops, debating whether he should dye it back to black. But he finally admitted that he had gotten used to the brown, and even liked it.

Youngjae tilted his head curiously as Jinyoung closed and moved his laptop to the side.

“Is that your next book?”

Jinyoung smiled. “Hardly. It’s barely an outline.”

He gathered up his notes and placed them on top of his laptop as they caught up —he hadn’t seen Youngjae for months. He smiled as Youngjae talked excitedly about recording a song for a drama that was expected to have the highest rankings for the winter season, and how he was making a cameo appearance on the variety show Jaebum was working on.

“They’re going to have me mentor for a day,” he said as his manager placed his Americano on the table, before disappearing again to sit nearby.

Jinyoung hummed with interest in response, hoping it hid the bit of tightness that gripped his chest. Jaebum hadn’t told him. Hell, it felt like the longest conversation he and Jaebum had that week was through a series of texts, where Jaebum begged Jinyoung to understand that they wouldn’t be able to go home that weekend like they planned. Jinyoung wanted to be angry, but couldn’t bring himself to feel anything but disappointment.

_‘It’s OK,’_ he had said. _‘I’ll let mom know.’_

Jaebum had promised they would spend some time that weekend together, at least. Jinyoung tried not to let himself get too excited. Something would come up — a last minute recording, an unscheduled meeting, some unplanned company get together with some celebrity Jinyoung had never heard of…

Something _always_ came up.

Across from him, Youngjae tilted his head. “Is everything ok?”

He looked up and made sure his smile reached his eyes.

“Just thinking…Jaebum didn’t tell me.”

Youngjae blinked. “Really?”

He shook his head and shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. As if the past two weeks hadn’t been painfully lonely.

“We’ve been busy. I’m sure he just forgot.”

He wasn’t sure if Youngjae believed his act, but at least he caught on enough to change the subject. They talked about everything from Youngjae’s new album (which Jaebum was, of course, working on), to the new puppy he adopted (a cute Maltese he named Coco), to Mark and Jackson, who kept in touch with Youngjae almost more than Jinyoung did.

It was nice. Normal. Needed. By the time Youngjae’s manager was ushering him off with, a hurried “we’re going to be late,” Jinyoung was feeling better than he had in weeks.

He was already reaching for his laptop, ready to get some work done now that his head was a bit clearer, when Youngjae asked, “Do you want to come?”

Both Jinyoung and Youngjae’s manager (Kim Minhwan, if he remembered correctly), looked at him in surprise.

“Youngjae—”

“Why?” Jinyoung said at the same time.

Youngjae grinned. “I have a recording session with Jaebum- _hyung_.”

Jinyoung’s mouth opened slightly in a silent _‘o’_ of understanding. The offer was so tempting…

He looked at his haphazard pile of notes and the black screen of his laptop. Jaebum wouldn’t be mad, would he? He bit his bottom lip. The urge to see Jaebum warred with the fear of intruding. He knew too well how hard it was to concentrate on his work with someone watching.

“He says he hasn’t eaten today,” Youngjae’s voice broke through his internal battle.

“How—?” he cut himself off when Youngjae turned his phone to face him.

Sure enough, just below a message from Youngjae telling Jaebum he was meeting with Jinyoung and wanted him to tag along, was Jaebum’s reply seconds later: _‘Only if he brings food kekekeke. I haven’t eaten today.’_

His heart lifted a bit.

“Guess I have no choice now,” he joked.

He needed to work, but the feeling of being wanted overpowered everything else. Jaebum never made him feel _unwanted_ , but Jinyoung had been feeling useless whenever he watched Jaebum trudge into the apartment each night, looking worn and exhausted. He hadn’t been able to do anything for Jaebum since he moved in...

It was a bit awkward climbing into the iconic black “celebrity van.” Especially under the confused stares of the fans that had either followed Youngjae there or lingered at the cafe once they saw him inside. He heard a few whispers of, “Isn’t that Park Jinyoung?” and even heard one “Oh my god are they going to turn his books into a drama? Is Youngjae doing the OST?”

He suppressed a chuckle. The idea of his books turning into a drama had been floated around by his publisher over the years, but, much to his publisher’s displeasure, Jinyoung always refused. The proposals were always for low-budget productions that would be unable to tell Jinyoung’s story as well as his books could.

They stopped briefly at a chicken restaurant Youngjae said Jaebum favored and picked up a large order, before arriving in front of a small building squished between two, much more modern high rises. Jinyoung looked up at the five-story building, older and dwarfed by its neighbors. He had never actually _been_ to Jaebum’s studio before, but now that he was seeing it, he realized part of him had been expecting to see some stylishly designed building that screamed ‘ _FAMOUS PRODUCER WORKS HERE_.’ The only indication they were at the right place was a modest plate on the wall with “Paradise Media” in simple black font.

Despite the unremarkable exterior, inside was new and renovated, with a bright and open lobby that was almost completely white except for the few splashes of green and light wood surfaces. Behind the reception desk, the words _“Paradise Media”_ were engraved into a large frosted glass wall panel. A much more extravagant indication of where they were than the little sign outside.

A young woman wearing a bored expression glanced up from her phone when she heard them enter. Her eyes brightened when she saw Youngjae and she stood so quickly, Jinyoung was impressed that she hadn’t banged her knees on her desk.

“Good afternoon, Youngjae- _ssi_ ,” she bowed and greeted him in a clear, professional tone. “Im PD is in studio A today.”

Youngjae inclined his head in return and thanked her with a smile as they made their way to the elevators. Jinyoung tried to ignore the self-consciousness creeping up his neck as the woman stared after them. The distinct feeling of being somewhere he didn’t belong returned. He gripped the bag that held their dinner a bit tighter.

_‘Don’t be ridiculous_ ,’ he chastised himself as they entered the elevator and ascended to the third floor. If Jaebum didn’t want Jinyoung around, he wouldn’t have told Youngjae to bring him along.

Still, even as the elevator pinged and opened its door to the third floor, Jinyoung couldn’t shake the feeling that he was intruding on something he shouldn’t.

He followed Youngjae down a plain hallway with light blue walls and a few framed promotional posters. He immediately recognized every artist that Jaebum had worked with, and felt pride swell inside him. They were so young and yet Jaebum had accomplished so much already…

Studio A was at the very end of the short hallway, its frosted glass door making it impossible to see inside. Above it was a sign that read “Recording in Session.” Jinyoung imagined it glowing bright red once Youngjae stepped into the booth.

Youngjae opened the door without hesitation and cheerfully greeted everyone in the room. Jinyoung and Minhwan followed behind him. Now that he was here, he felt even more out of place. In the small, shockingly plain room, was Jaebum, sitting at the soundboard with two others on either side of him. From the way they looked up, still hunched around the monitor and a pad full of notes, they had just been in deep conversation.

Jaebum’s eyes immediately fell on him, and he beamed as if Jinyoung was the sun parting the clouds after a particularly dreary day. He was wearing the earrings Jinyoung had bought him — just like he had almost every day for two weeks. Embarrassed, but admittedly pleased, he held out the bag of chicken.

“You said you hadn’t eaten,” he muttered.

The two producers — one man, one woman — stared at him curiously. He shifted under their gazes. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to be here after all…

“ _Oooohhh_ ,” the woman’s eyes widened in recognition. She turned to grin at Jaebum, who looked unfazed. “ _This_ is Jinyoung?”

The man’s eyes widened before he too whipped around to fix Jaebum with an accusatory glare.

“You didn’t say _your_ Jinyoung was the _writer_ Park Jinyoung!”

Jaebum raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t ask.”

Jinyoung stood, dumbfounded. He had no idea what the two producers knew — or thought they knew — about their relationship. He and Jaebum had already agreed to be open with anyone they believed they could trust, but he had never expected Jaebum to _actually_ talk about it with any of his co-workers…

He watched Jaebum laugh as the male producer gave him a hard shove. They seemed so close and yet Jinyoung had no idea who the man _or_ the woman were. The scene reminded him of that feeling he had when he saw Jaebum at the trainee showcase all those years ago. The one where he was an outsider watching a version of Jaebum he didn’t recognize. Or seeing a side of him everyone else knew, but Jinyoung had no idea even existed...

He forced the feeling away, and smiled at the two he soon learned were Park Hongbyul and Oh Jangmi. It wasn’t so bad, he told himself, as they gathered around the wooden coffee table at the back of the studio. No one seemed to mind that Jaebum had thrown himself onto the couch and dragged Jinyoung down next to him. Nor did they even glance at the way their knees bumped or how Jaebum leaned into him when he laughed. It was so...normal. Even Jinyoung found himself relaxing as he discussed literature with Jangmi while Youngjae, Jaebum, and Hongbyul immersed themselves in discussions about Youngjae’s album. He felt like maybe Jaebum’s world wasn’t so far out of reach. That he could fit into it…

By the time they finished off the last piece of chicken and all of the side dishes, Jinyoung was ready to stretch out on the couch and nap. He didn’t know how Jaebum and the others managed to refocus so quickly on getting back to work.

After checking the time — nearly 7pm — he cleaned up their mess, and stood. The sound of the bag rustling made Jaebum turn away from his discussion with Youngjae and look at him, the disappointment clear in his expression.

“You’re going already?”

Jinyoung smiled. “You have to work.”

Jaebum glanced behind him, where Hongbyul and Jangmi were already at the soundboard, making adjustments in preparation for the recording. Shrugging, he offered Jinyoung a small, reassuring smile.

“You can stay.”

Jinyoung bit his lip. How badly he wanted to give into yet another temptation that promised more time together. He imagined sitting on the couch, watching Jaebum in his element, working and doing what he loved…

Still…

This wasn’t his place. Besides, he sighed, he had an outline to write.

“Maybe next time,” he said, unsure of his sincerity. “I should get home and get some writing done, anyway.”

Jaebum’s smile fell. “If you’re sure…”

Smiling, Jinyoung nodded. He reached out and tugged gently on the cuff of Jaebum’s hoodie. He wasn’t _quite_ ready to start kissing him in front of people — even if one of them was Youngjae.

“I’ll see you at—” he stumbled over the next word “—the apartment?” He still couldn’t say _home_.

“Yeah…” he gently took Jinyoung’s hand and squeezed it. “I’m glad you came. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy.”

His smile was beginning to feel more forced now…

Jinyoung stepped back. “It’s fine. I understand.”

And he did. He really did. He just wished the constant ache in his chest would go away.

After grabbing his bag from the couch, he left. The past two weeks had made him more familiar with Seoul’s metro system, but the bustling crowds moving in all directions, bright station lights, and pop music blaring from a few of the underground shops was always a sensory overload. Jinyoung couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to live in such a noisy and crowded place.

It took twenty minutes and a train transfer before he finally made it to their apartment. It was a new building in a trendy neighborhood that attracted mostly artists. It wasn’t _rich_ , but Jinyoung doubted there were too many “starving artists” living there.

Odd and Cake greeted him at the door as usual, looking up and giving him a hopeful _meow_. He rolled his eyes.

“Is that all I’m good for?” he grumbled as he slipped out of his shoes and headed into the kitchen. “Food?”

Odd answered with another _‘meow.’_

He fed the cats, changed their water, then showered. Nora was already curled on the end of the bed with Koonta and Bereu together in the cat bed in the corner. It was barely 9, but he climbed into bed with his laptop, hoping to get at least an hour of writing done before falling asleep. Jaebum had told him he would be back around 10, which probably meant closer to 11, if he was lucky…

_‘Stop it_ , _’_ he told himself, squashing the annoyance that creeped under his skin. _‘It’s not his fault,’_

Sighing, he opened his outline and began working. Ideas and words still came slowly, as if he was forcing them out of his brain with a pair of pliers, but at least they came. After an hour he had made more progress on his outline than he had in weeks.

By the time his eyes began to itch with fatigue, it was nearing 11. And sure enough, Jaebum was late. Just as he was reaching for his phone to ask when he would be home, the lock on the front door beeped, followed by the mechanical sound of it sliding open. He listened as Jaebum entered, greeting Odd and Cake the same way Jinyoung did (though with significantly more affection). Moments later, he entered the room.

He looked surprised to see Jinyoung still awake.

“Writing,” he said, closing his laptop and watching Jaebum approach. “How did recording go?”

Sighing, Jaebum flopped on the bed next to him and closed his eyes.

“I’m an hour late,” he replied, as if that was enough to tell Jinyoung how it went. “Computer crashed halfway through recording. We would have been later, but Youngjae had a radio show to get to.”

Jinyoung ran his fingers through Jaebum’s hair. Something he learned often had the immediate effect of loosening whatever tension Jaebum had in his body. He watched his shoulders relax as Jaebum let out a long sigh.

“I’m sorry, Jinyoung-ah,” he muttered. “We had to schedule our makeup session for Saturday.”

Disappointment sunk heavily in his stomach, but he did his best not to let Jaebum hear it in his voice.

“It’s OK,” his hand fell away from Jaebum’s head when he sat up.

“It’s not.”

Jinyoung smiled reassuringly. He had been looking forward to the date Jaebum had promised him, but couldn’t bring himself to be angry. He never could.

He hooked his hand around the back of Jaebum’s neck and leaned forward to place a soft kiss on his lips.

“It is,” he said.

It was just a half truth, but for now, he would force himself to believe it, too. If only so Jaebum would.


	4. Chapter 4

Christmas passed. Then New Years. Jinyoung told himself not to think about how he spent both alone.

_‘I’m sorry, Jinyoung-ah, Youngjae has a show and they want me there._

_‘It’s the only day this group is free to record.’_

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry._

Jinyoung was so tired of those words.

 

It had taken two months. Two months and finally instead of _‘I'm sorry,’_ Jaebum grinned and said they were going home.

“I can only visit for a few days,” he said, “but stay as long as you need.”

Jinyoung had been so overwhelmingly happy, he could hardly sleep the night before they left.

After two long months, Jinyoung was finally going home. He felt his heart grow lighter as they drove past familiar signs and down well-known roads. He stared out the window, wishing it was warmer so he could roll it down and breathe in the air not polluted with car exhaust. They were just five minutes away, but Jinyoung wanted nothing more than to get out and enjoy the feeling of not being surrounded by concrete and people who seemed to constantly be in a hurry to get somewhere.

He tore his gaze away from the passing fields — now brown and dormant for the winter — and looked at Jaebum, who was humming quietly along to a song on the radio. He had dark circles under his eyes from another late night in the studio, and but there was a small smile on his lips. Jinyoung’s eyes caught on the earring with the dangling moon and stars. The silver winked whenever the chains swayed and caught the afternoon sun.

As if feeling Jinyoung’s eyes on him, Jaebum glanced at him from the corner of his eye.

“Something on your mind?”

Jinyoung smiled and reached for the hand resting in Jaebum’s lap. He laced their fingers together and stared at them. It was hard to believe that six months had already passed since he was first allowed to do this...

He still felt that thrill — that joy of knowing the boy he had loved as a child had grown into a man that also loved him back. His heart was still heavy with the time they lost and the time they were losing, but here, now, with Jaebum’s hand in his and the road home stretched out in front of them, he was happy.

“Just glad to be home.”

Jaebum’s hand tightened around his momentarily before loosening again. “I’m sorry it took so long.”

Jinyoung sighed and leaned his head back against his seat. There was that word again. He was beginning to hate it.

He had been longing to come home for so long that it was like a constant, dull ache in his chest.  But he learned, somehow, to enjoy some of Seoul's conveniences, like walking to the store or the cafe down the street from their apartment, which had become one of his favorite writing spots. It still wasn't home, but he no longer felt like it was impossible to survive in the city for more than a few weeks at a time. He even came to like his brown hair, despite refusing to “get a touch up” as Bambam had insisted when his roots started growing in. He wondered what his parents would say about it…

As they pulled into the driveway of his home, Jinyoung felt a sense of nostalgia he never had before. Once he opened the car door and stepped out onto the gravel, he realized that he felt like he was _visiting_ rather than returning home after a brief absence. Like years had passed instead of months. He felt like a _guest_.

He looked around at the crowded parking lot. His parents told him that the farm had been receiving more guests since Youngjae’s photobook released, but seeing so many cars in the middle of winter was still a shock. They had always been lucky to have even one guest during winter, but it looked as though every room was full.

“ _Omo!”_ an unfamiliar female voice made Jinyoung look towards the porch, where a middle-aged woman and her husband were exiting the house. “Is that their son? Park Jinyoung?”

“Who?” her husband asked with clear disinterest, not even sparing Jinyoung a glance. His wife hit his arm.

“He's friends with my Youngjae!”

The man rolled his eyes and continued walking towards the entrance of a small hiking path.

Jinyoung smiled and bowed politely at them, before turning to Jaebum.

“Youngjae’s influence is pretty strong, I guess,” he joked.

Chuckling, Jaebum opened the trunk.

“You still coming over for dinner?” he asked, handing Jinyoung his bag.

“Yeah...I’m going to get a ride in first.”

Jaebum nodded and pressed a gentle kiss on his cheek. “See you.”

Once Jaebum disappeared down the driveway, Jinyoung took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He still felt strange. This was his home. He hadn’t moved out, he just spent much longer in Seoul than he planned. He gripped the handle of the side door, then opened it.

The first thing he noticed was the noise coming from the sitting room. Jinyoung glanced in and notice about six women their early twenties sitting on the floor in front of the fire, with several Youngjae-related paraphernalia spread around them. They were all chatting excitedly over the unmistakable sound of his latest concert DVD, unaware that Jinyoung was there.

Wanting to keep it that way, he quietly hurried down the hall and slipped into the kitchen, where his mother was preparing dinner. She looked up when she heard him enter.

“Jinyoung?” the way she said his name sounded as though she hadn’t been expecting him.

He smiled despite the creeping feeling that something was wrong. “I’m home.”

His mother put down her knife and turned to him fully, looking about as uncomfortable as he was beginning to feel. “We weren’t expecting you.”

He blinked. “O-oh.”

He watched her quickly check the calendar they used to track their guest stays, and sure enough, _‘Jinyoung-ie <3’_ was there. His mother breathed out a soft curse and turned to look at him with a guilty expression.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. We’ve been so busy lately, and there have been so many guests…”

The unpleasant feeling spread into his chest. As impossible as he once thought it could be, he already knew his mother's next words before she said them.

“We had to rent out your room this week…”

His stomach plummeted as if he had just fallen down several steps. He had told her shortly after he moved in with Jaebum that they could use his room when they needed to. There was no use having an empty bedroom, especially when they had been receiving so many bookings. But he never thought he wouldn't be able to sleep in his own room when he returned home…

In hindsight, he realized he had been stupid. Of course that's what it meant.

He forced a smile. If they were renting out his room, then there probably wasn’t anywhere else for him to sleep. He supposed it was his fault — he had been so busy himself that he hadn’t called that week to remind his parents he was coming. He never had to before.

Vaguely, he wondered if they kept all of his books and albums in the room, or if they moved those out too. And his clothes…

He had only brought enough for a few days, expecting to wear what he kept in his closet. In his room. At his house, which suddenly felt less like _home_ and more like his “parents’ house.”

The feeling of being an outsider gripped him the same way it had when he first moved in with Jaebum. It was the same feeling he sometimes had when he fell asleep and woke up alone. Except this time it was in the place he thought would always be home. The place he always thought he would belong...

His mother's voice made him look back at her. She looked, if possible, even more apologetic.

“We didn’t want anything to happen to your things. They’re in the attic.”

_The attic._

They only stored things in the attic they didn’t expect to use. It felt so...permanent. Like his parents had moved him out of the house without him knowing.

He swallowed back the tightness rising in his throat.

“Thanks, mom.”

“We can fix you up a place to sleep in the living room,” she said, “The guests in your room are leaving in a couple of days.”

He smiled, not wanting her to feel guilty. It was his own fault.

“Don’t worry about it...I can stay at Jaebum’s. He can’t stay long, anyway. I’ll—” he stopped short of saying _‘go home’_ and said, “—go back to Seoul with him when he leaves.”

It hadn’t been the plan, but what else could he do? He no longer had a place in his own home. He still didn’t feel like he had one in Seoul either, but at least he had a bed.

_‘And Jaebum_ ,’ a voice in his head reminded him.

_‘When he’s home_ ,’ another, much more cynical one pointed out.

“Really,” he said, trying to talk over his own thoughts. “It’s ok.”

He turned to leave, when his mother’s voice stopped him again. “You’ve dyed your hair.”

He bit his lip and turned back with a smile. “Yugyeom made me.”

His mother smiled back. “It suits you.”

Jinyoung wasn’t sure if he was happy or not.

“Thanks, mom.”

Not wanting to explain to Jaebum that he didn’t have a bed to sleep in, he left his bags in the little office off the kitchen, then grabbed his winter riding clothes from the attic. He had been itching to ride for months. No bad mood was going to change that.

He managed to slip by Youngjae’s fans again as he headed outside. The cold winter air bit harshly at his skin, but rather than worsen his mood, he felt like it helped him clear his head. He took a deep breath, savoring the woody smell that would always be home. Even if he no longer knew if he could call it that. The scent of damp air beneath the wood and the thick, grey clouds overhead held a promise of snow later that night. Jinyoung felt his spirits lift a bit — he loved snow.

As he walked into the barn parking lot, he saw Jimin’s bike and a familiar family van. His father’s old truck (which, apparently, had finally broken down) was parked in the far corner, no doubt waiting for his father to scrounge up the right parts for it. Grinning, he shook his head as he opened the gate. One day, he thought, they would replace it with one that didn’t creak.

“Jinyoung- _oppa!”_ a high-pitched, delighted squeal was quickly followed by a heavy weight barreling into his stomach.

“Hyemi,” he chuckled and ruffled the little girl’s hair. She had grown at least an inch since he last saw her.

Following at a much slower pace were Hyemi’s mother and Jimin, who looked as if she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to be angry that he had been gone for so long or delighted that he was finally home.

She settled for, “Welcome back, jerk,” followed by a tight hug.

“Jimin- _eonnie_ said I can start cantering next week!” Hyemi said with an excited hop.

Jinyoung smiled down at her. “Wow! You’ve gotten so good!”

Hyemi nodded excitedly, her ponytail bouncing behind her. “ _Eonnie_ is the best teacher ever!”

Jinyoung squatted down to her level. “What about _oppa_?” he jutted his lower lip out and pretended to sulk.

She giggled delightedly. “ _Oppa_ is second best!”

Chuckling, he ruffled her hair again and stood to greet her mother, who smiled fondly at her daughter.

“I can barely get her to go home most days.”

Hyemi was one of Jinyoung’s students, but now that he and Yugyeom now spent most of their time in Seoul, Jimin and his mother were the only instructors. He felt guilty leaving so much of his farm responsibilities to his aging parents and a girl who had so much potential outside of their tiny town…

He really needed to find a way to come home more.

“How long are you staying?” Jimin asked once Hyemi and her mother left.

She was watching Jinyoung groom and tack Icarus, who had immediately checked him for treats as soon as he saw Jinyoung. Jimin’s next lesson wasn’t for another hour, and Jinyoung had every intention of taking advantage of the empty ring.

“Just a couple days,” he answered, trying to sound nonchalant about it. Jimin didn’t need to know that he had planned on staying for at least a week. Even longer. “Jaebum has an early recording on Tuesday, so we’re going back Monday.”

Jimin whined disappointedly, and Jinyoung wished he could be more honest about his own disappointment. Instead, he smiled and jokingly told her she didn’t really miss him anyway.

“Ah—” he turned to look at her after he put the saddle on. “Yugyeom sent a gift. It’s up at the house.”

Despite the snort and sarcastic mutter of, “show off,” Jimin smiled. Jinyoung reminded himself to tell Yugyeom to visit home more often. As much as the two bickered, Jimin missed him. He knew Yugyeom missed her too.

He finished tacking up, and headed into the ring. The moment he swung his leg over the saddle and adjusted himself on Icarus’s back, he felt more right than he had in months. He loved the slight tension of the braided reins between his fingers, and the solid, secure feel of the stirrups beneath his feet. Every worry and anxious thought was gone from his mind as Icarus walked out onto the rail at a brisk, marching pace.

After a couple warm up laps, he picked up a trot, his legs gripping the sides of the saddle as he threw all of his weight into his heels to help steady him. Icarus was one of their bounciest horses, but Jinyoung’s body remembered and adjusted.

He trotted and cantered around the ring in both directions, loving the feel of simply being on a horse again. Jimin put up some jumps and Jinyoung felt his heart lighten each time Icarus’s feet lifted off the ground.

This was home, he thought, his legs locking around Icarus’s side as they leapt over a jump. He bent perfectly around the corner and cantered towards the next.

_One, two, three, four,_ he counted the strides in his head as he approached. They jumped — _one, two,_ strides to the next. The jumps were just 2 feet 3 inches high, but it didn’t matter. Jinyoung felt almost giddy as he landed on the other side of his final jump.

He slowed to a trot, then finally a walk. Jimin sat on the mounting block and slow clapped, praising him for not falling off.

He grinned at her as he approached.

“Brat,” he murmured affectionately as he dismounted.

He needed this. He needed to feel normal again. There was some relief knowing that no matter how out of place he might feel anywhere else, the barn was somewhere he would always belong. Nothing could take away the release he felt whenever he was in the saddle.

As Jimin greeted her newest student — a six year old boy who had looked shyly up at Jinyoung when he exited the ring — he untacked and hand-walked Icarus around the ring until he was properly cooled off. After several treats and promises to visit more often (had he already started considering his returns as visits?), Jinyoung put on his blanket and closed the stall door.

Out of habit, he walked down the aisle, checking that all of the water buckets were full. When he was satisfied, he moved to the feed room, where he refilled the feed cart for the next morning. He put away a few stray school brushes, hung the pitchforks, and even swept the aisle despite knowing they would just be dirtied again when students groomed their horses.

He was reluctant to leave, and found every excuse not to look at his phone so he wouldn’t have to see any messages from Jaebum. It wasn’t until the sky turned dark and Jimin barked at him to stop stalling for “whatever reason,” did he finally leave.

Reluctantly, he checked his phone as he walked up to the house. It was 6:30 — he still needed to ask Jaebum if he could stay with his family. Sighing, he dialed Jaebum’s number and sat on the swing chair on the back porch. It was uncomfortably cold and his hand was already going numb around his phone, but he didn’t want to go inside where privacy was non-existent in a house full of over half a dozen guests…

_“Jinyoung?”_ Jaebum's voice lifted a bit in confusion.

He smiled softly. It would always amaze him how merely hearing Jaebum's voice was enough to make even the worst days better.

“Hey.”

_“Is everything ok?”_

“Yeah...I just wanted to let you know I'll be over soon…”

Jaebum answered with a hesitant, _“E-eoh…”_ as if he knew Jinyoung wouldn't be calling him for something so trivial.

He sighed again and leaned back. “Mom and dad are using my room for guests.”

There was a long pause. A wild, irrational part of his brain thought maybe Jaebum would tell him there wasn't any room at his house either.

_“O-oh,”_ Jaebum’s voice was soft and sympathetic. _“You want to stay here?”_

Jinyoung never thought such a simple question would cause so many emotions to swell up inside him. He felt a stinging behind his eyes and squeezed them shut.

“Yeah…” he swallowed around the lump that formed in his throat. “Thanks.”

_“Jinyoung—”_

“I'll see you in a few minutes,” he cut Jaebum off and hung up before he could say anything else.

Not ready to face his parents or the guests milling around the house, Jinyoung sat for another minute longer. The good mood brought on from riding suddenly dissipating like the clouds of condensation made by his breath in the cold winter air. After a deep breath, he finally stood and went inside.

Once he entered the house, his father tried to corral him into the sitting room, where he and the couple Jinyoung had seen earlier were sitting. Youngjae’s fans must have retired to their rooms, he thought, noticing their absence. He greeted the couple politely, and explained to his father that he promised to be at the Ims for dinner.

His father's shoulders slumped disappointedly. “You're really not going to stay here during your visit?”

_Visit_.

He wasn't _back_ or _home._ He was _visiting_.

Jinyoung forced what he hoped looked like an easy smile. “You have a full house,” when his father opened his mouth to argue, he added, “Besides, I want to sleep in a bed.”

Sighing, his father reluctantly conceded and let Jinyoung leave to grab his things.

He left Jimin's gift from Yugyeom on the office desk and sent her a quick text, telling her to pick it up before she left. After promising his parents he would come in the morning to feed the horses, he left.

He stopped as soon as he stepped outside.

Jaebum's car was sitting in the driveway. He watched the driver side door open and Jaebum step out, grinning.

“I thought you wouldn't want to walk in the cold.”

Snorting, Jinyoung let Jaebum take his bag and toss it in the back seat. It was a small thing, but he loved the subtle ways Jaebum waited on him. Besides — he pressed a swift kiss to the corner of Jaebum's lips — he was pretty sure Jaebum did it for the little “rewards” Jinyoung gave in return. He wasn't sure who had trained who.

“It takes like two minutes to walk to your house.”

Jaebum's grin widened as they got into the car. He leaned over and kissed Jinyoung properly, gently coaxing his mouth open and running his fingers through Jinyoung's hair until his hand rested against the nape of his neck.

“Then I wouldn't get to do that.”

Jinyoung thanked every deity, real and imaginary, that the car was dark enough to hide his face. It burned so hot, he was sure Jaebum would be able to feel the heat. A thousand years and several lifetimes could pass and he would never get used to this side of Jaebum…

He wasn't sure he wanted to either. He loved that Jaebum could still make his heart race as if they were sharing their firsts over and over again. It was this feeling that he used to remind himself that nothing — not even the farm — was worth losing Jaebum.

“You're so cheesy,” he mumbled, slouching low in his seat and staring ahead of him.

Chuckling, Jaebum kissed his cheek before leaning back.

Jinyoung fought back a sigh. He had been so excited to come home, but as they pulled out of the driveway, he looked back at his house through the side mirror and found himself wishing they had just spent their weekend in Seoul. Alone. Together.

He tried to hold onto the warmth that Jaebum's kiss had spread through him, and felt it slipping away like sand through his fingers.

“Do you want to talk?” Jaebum asked as they pulled into the Ims’ driveway.

Unlike Jinyoung's house, which was hidden by forest, Jaebum's front yard was big and open with a neat garden and a single, large maple tree they had each fallen out of a few times as children. He could see its silhouette as they crept down the long driveway towards the modest farmhouse.

Jaebum's parents grew everything from strawberries to lettuce to apple trees. Every autumn they would host a neighborhood apple picking that allowed the locals to get the first pick of the season. He found himself smiling, remembering the years he spent running around the orchid with Jaebum, competing to see how many apples they could get…

“We missed your parents’ apple picking last year.”

Jaebum blinked at the unexpected reply. “Y-yeah...we did…”

Jinyoung turned his head and stared at him through the dark. They were parked in the driveway now and he was sure Jaebum’s parents would be waiting for them.

“Did you miss it? When you left.”

Jaebum looked at him, his expression between confusion and surprise. He opened his mouth, then closed it again.

After a long pause, he replied quietly, “I missed you.”

Jinyoung frowned. “That’s not what I asked.”

“I know.” He sighed and looked away again, staring out the windshield. A few heavy flurries started to fall and melt on the hood of the car. “I did at first. I missed riding and hearing cicadas when I opened my windows at night but...at some point I guess I got used to it.”

Jinyoung didn't know if he could ever get used to Seoul. He didn't know if he _wanted_ to.

Jaebum turned to look at him again and reached out to brush his fingers through Jinyoung's hair.

“What’s wrong?”

A small, unhappy laugh escaped him. “Besides the fact my parents turned my room into another guest room?”

He tilted his head away from Jaebum’s touch and watched his hand drop between them.

“Jinyoung—”

“It’s bad enough I had to stay in Seoul for two months, but—” he choked back his frustration. Sighing, he unbuckled his seatbelt and reached for the door handle. “Forget it.”

“Do you really hate it that much?” Jaebum’s voice was quiet and sad.

Jinyoung turned to look at him. “What?”

“Seoul.”

Jinyoung didn’t answer immediately. He didn’t _hate_ Seoul. Not anymore. But...

“It’s not home.”

He saw hurt flash across Jaebum’s face.

“Right…” he looked away from Jinyoung and unbuckled his own seatbelt. He opened the driver side door. “Come on… my parents are probably wondering why we’re still out here.”

Jinyoung scrambled out after him, slamming the door shut with more force than necessary as he hurried to Jaebum’s side of the car.

“Jaebum—” he reached for his arm, but Jaebum pulled it away and looked at him, hurt and annoyance etched into his expression. Like Jinyoung’s words had both stung and offended him.

“If you were so unhappy, then why did you move in with me?”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened. All of the frustration and loneliness that had been spreading like poison through his veins for months threatened to spill over as if his body could no longer physically hold it all in.

“Because you’re not even there!” his voice raised almost to a shout.

Jaebum stared at him. “Jinyoung—” he stopped himself, then started again, “You know I’ve been busy.”

That wasn’t what Jinyoung wanted to hear. He didn’t want Jaebum’s apologies. He didn’t want his excuses. He just wanted _someone_ to tell him it was okay. That he wasn’t being selfish or silly or stupid for feeling lonely or out of place. He wanted someone to tell him the uncertainty and fear and anxiety he was feeling was normal. That it was okay to worry. To be scared. He wanted someone to tell him picking up his entire life and leaving everything he knew wasn’t as easy as Jaebum had made it seem.

He let out a frustrated sigh, running his hand through his hair and spinning on his heel, ready to escape into the house.

“Forget it,” his voice dropped so he was no longer shouting, “you wouldn’t understand anyway.”

“How do you know if you won’t even _tell_ me?” Jaebum’s own frustration in his voice.

_“Because_ , Jaebum,” Jinyoung spun back around. “The first chance you got, you left.”

Jinyoung thought back to the first and last showcase he attended all those years ago. The image of a bleach-blond haired Jaebum smiling and laughing with his fellow idol trainees as they dragged him away from Jinyoung was as vividly clear as if it was happening all over again right in front of him. He remembered thinking that just a few months had already changed Jaebum into someone living in a world Jinyoung could never be a part of. One Jinyoung no more fit in now than he did back then.

He thought about how Jaebum had always talked about escaping their town. Of the wide grin and excited gleam in his eye when he told Jinyoung he had passed his audition. He thought about how it had taken Jaebum eight years just to return.

And now he thought of how he couldn’t fit in the same way Jaebum did. He thought about how much he missed the open skies and wide, spacious farmland. He thought about how Jaebum so easily made Seoul his home and how hard he was fighting against accepting that it might be his now too.

“Is that what you think?” he asked. “That I left because I wasn't happy here?”

“All you ever talked about back then was leaving!” he replied, voice raising again.

“I wanted to do _music_ , Jinyoung!” Jaebum replied. “We don’t exactly have producers renting out studios in this town.”

Jinyoung knew. He knew Jaebum had felt suffocated and trapped in their town of farmers who no more knew music than people from Seoul knew farming.

From his pierced ears to his uniform that was always in some state of disarray, Jaebum had always been the one out of place in their little town. He remembered how Jaebum would spend hours in their tiny music room after school and how he would skip class just to be found singing or humming along to his favorite songs on the roof. He knew. He knew and yet...

“It just...it wasn't supposed to be like this.”

“Like what?”

The flurries had turned into a quick falling snow now. The white flakes clung to Jaebum's hair and clothes and maybe under different circumstances, it would be endearing. Instead, Jinyoung just felt cold.

“I thought…” he sighed again, “I just thought it would be different this time.”

The front door of the house opened and Jaebum’s mother stood, silhouetted in the frame.

“Boys!” she called them as she had done many times when they were children. “It’s freezing out here, is everything ok?”

Sighing, Jaebum looked over Jinyoung’s shoulder and shouted back.

“Fine! We’ll be in soon, mom.”

He waited until she was back inside before looking back at Jinyoung, who forced a smile. He had gotten good at pretending that everything was okay.

“Let’s go in before she worries more,” he said.

He heard Jaebum grab his bag from the back seat and follow. From the look Jaebum gave him as they entered the house, he knew their conversation was far from over, but for now, Jinyoung let Mrs. Im pull him into a tight, motherly hug, and smiled as if there wasn’t a single worry gnawing at his insides like a parasite.

He was beginning to wish they had never moved in together. And he hated himself for it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a week late!! I was in Newark and Toronto for KEEP SPINNING so I wasn't able to update over the weekend. I will be in LA for the show as well, so the last chapter will be up next weekend!
> 
> I revised this chapter so much over the past couple of weeks, it's nearly 1k longer than the first draft. I hope everything makes sense and isn't too drawn out...

Dinner was awkward. Jinyoung and Jaebum spoke enough to keep his parents from sharing too many significant glances at each other, but they couldn’t hide the tension straining between them. More than once he saw Jaebum’s mother look between them as if she wanted to ask, but thought better of it. Jinyoung was thankful. He didn't even know what to say to Jaebum. He didn't want to try and explain the complicated mess of emotions to his parents too.

“Don’t be silly, Jinyoung,” Mrs. Im shooed him out of the kitchen after dinner when he tried to help clean up. “You have had a long day.” 

She silenced his protest with one last shove towards the living room, where Jaebum had already settled on the couch with a plate of fresh fruit in front of him. 

“You know it’s useless,” he said, popping a slice of apple in his mouth like a piece of popcorn. “She never lets you help, you think she’ll let you now?”

Jinyoung dropped onto the couch, leaving some distance between them. “I should still offer.”

They fell into silence, watching commercials as they waited for Jaebum's show to start. It was just the fourth episode, but already Jaebum had become nearly as popular as the rookie idols he was mentoring.

Jinyoung thought he would feel bitter when the episodes aired. After all, they were the reason Jaebum had been so busy and why they had pushed back their trip home. But he couldn't help but feel a swell of pride when he saw Jaebum on screen. In his element, sitting at a soundboard, directing his rookies in his gentle, deep voice. 

Whenever he felt himself feeling abandoned or alone, he re-watched Jaebum's cuts to remind himself that it was temporary and that Jaebum was living the dream he always talked about when they were kids. What kind of person was Jinyoung if he couldn't be happy for him?

_Selfish_ , he told himself. He was selfish when they were teenagers and he was still selfish now. He wanted Jaebum to be happy, but hated feeling as if Jaebum was moving away from him again.

“You're so handsome on TV,” Jaebum’s mother sighed halfway through the show. She had joined them shortly after the first commercial break.

She cast a judgmental frown at her son, who hadn't shaved in two days and lounged with his legs splayed out in front of him from where he slouched on the couch. He reached forward for another apple slice and put the entire thing in his mouth before looking at her. Jinyoung fought back a smile. Even with his coarse facial hair and mouth full of apple, Jaebum was cute. Unfortunately his mother did not seem to agree. Her frown deepened.

“I don't know why you're like this at home.”

Jaebum swallowed and reached for another apple slice. He bit off a smaller piece this time and shrugged.

“I don't want to be handsome at home.”

His mother rolled her eyes. 

“My son is lucky you love him,” she shook her head but smiled at Jinyoung. “I don't know who else could put up with him.”

Jinyoung felt his cheeks flush pink as Jaebum protested with an indignant “Yah!” 

She flashed one more grin at Jinyoung before turning her attention back to the TV.

He glanced at Jaebum, who was finishing off the last apple slice. 

_‘Lucky you love him,’_ she said.

Most days he felt like he was the lucky one. Some days he woke up next to Jaebum thinking he was dreaming. Others he woke up alone and reminded himself he wasn't. Some days he wondered when it would all end. When the dream would shatter and they would wake up to realize they were just chasing old memories and feelings…

He glanced at Jaebum, wondering if he really was as sure about them as he appeared to be. 

The thought stayed with him even as he watched the show credits roll an hour later. Standing, he mumbled yet another thanks to Jaebum's parents for allowing him to stay. They smiled kindly and, as they had all night, said he was always welcome in their home. The words swelled inside his chest each time. After thanking them again, he left, exhausted and ready to sleep off everything stirring inside him. Maybe everything would make more sense in the morning.

Behind him, Jaebum jumped up and followed. Jinyoung had just made it to the bottom of the stairs when Jaebum's hand grabbed his. 

“Jinyoung—”

“I really don't want to talk right now,” he said tiredly.

Jaebum stepped in front of him. He held up a cigarette and lighter.

“We don't have to talk.”

Jinyoung eyed the cigarette. He still didn't understand this strange habit of theirs. They kept a pack in the apartment, but in the months they lived together, they had only taken one cigarette out of it. 

He took it from Jaebum's fingers.

“Your dad's?”

Jaebum grinned. “He's trying to quit anyway.”

Jinyoung snorted and let go of Jaebum's hand. 

After bundling up in scarves and heavy coats, they stepped outside. The snow was falling steadily now, sticking to the grass and just beginning to dust the pavement. He looked at Jaebum's car, covered in a thin layer of white crystals. Jaebum handed him the lighter.

“You know,” Jinyoung said, placing the cigarette between his lips and lighting it. “Your parents could walk out here any second.”

He took a short drag, coughed, then handed it to Jaebum. The bitter, acidic taste still made him want to gag. Jaebum took it from him, sucking in the smoke and exhaling with a bit more grace. Jinyoung watched it disappear into the cold winter air.

"We're adults," he replied, "What are they going to do? Ground us?"

Jinyoung snorted back a laugh and took the cigarette back. They stood side-by-side, looking out into the darkness, watching the snow fall. Jinyoung shoved his free hand into his pocket, for all the good it would do. 

The second try was easier — it usually was. He passed the cigarette back to Jaebum.

After so many years, he wondered why they kept up this habit. As teenagers it was just rebellious curiosity. When they reunited, it was nostalgia. Now — he took the cigarette back — he didn’t know what it was. Comfort, maybe. Some shared memory from the past they were trying to cling on to. A simple bad habit…

“What are we doing, Jaebum?” he sighed.

Jaebum paused, halfway to reaching for the cigarette. After a brief hesitation, he took it.

“What do you mean?”

“Moving in together was supposed to be…easier.”

There was a long pause. Jaebum held the cigarette between his fingers, the ash growing long and falling into the snow on the other side of the porch railing. He deftly tapped off the rest but didn’t raise the cigarette to his lips.

“What are you trying to say, Jinyoung?” his voice was quiet with something that pierced painfully through his chest.

Fear. 

He was afraid Jinyoung’s next words were going to hurt. He tried to make it so they wouldn’t.

“I love you.”

He took the cigarette from Jaebum’s fingers, put it out in the small layer of snow forming on the railing, then tossed it into the ashtray that sat on the small table between the porch chairs behind them.

“But I don’t love Seoul.”

Jaebum sighed. “Jinyoung—”

“—I thought I could try,” he continued, as if Jaebum hadn’t spoken at all. “But I just...it’s not home.”

If he didn’t keep going, he was never going to say it. Every lonely, frustrated, and anxious feeling he had been having since he first moved in was eating him alive. If he didn’t say anything now, he was afraid it would spread like a disease, infecting the good things in their relationship until all that was left was rotten memories and regrets.

“What if—” he bit his lip “—what if this doesn’t work? I can’t live in Seoul my entire life, Jaebum. And I know you can’t live here,” he let out a rueful laugh. “ _I_ don’t even live here anymore.”

It hurt to admit. He had been telling himself Seoul was just the place he visited to see Jaebum and to work when he needed to. But he needed to admit what everyone else saw — even his parents. He had moved to Seoul, and he was terrified that once Jaebum realized Jinyoung could never fit into the life he had there, he would have nowhere to return to.

“We already couldn’t keep up a friendship—”

Jaebum turned to look at him.

“That was completely different—”

Jinyoung looked back at him. “Is it? We barely even see each other, and I’m _living_ with you. I feel like your roommate instead of your _boyfriend_.”

Jaebum’s eyes widened, as if Jinyoung had physically struck him. Slowly, the words sunk in, and Jinyoung saw his face drop in remorse.

“I know,”  he swallowed. “I know I haven’t been there.”

Sighing, Jinyoung looked away from him. “It’s…” 

_Fine,_ he wanted to say. Like he had been saying. For two months, hoping that saying it would make it true.

“I know you’re busy,” he said, “I’m not— I don’t want you to give up opportunities for me...it’s just been hard. I’ve never liked Seoul. I thought it would be easier with you there, and I thought...I thought this would still be my home.”

“It is.”

Jinyoung let out a harsh, unhappy laugh. “It’s not.”

“If you ask your parents—”

“I can’t ask my parents to give me my room back,” he interrupted. “I just…” he bit his lip, hesitating before he continued quietly, “I’m afraid you’re going to realize I don’t fit into your life again.”

_“Again?”_ Jaebum sounded incredulous. “Jinyoung, you’ve _always_ been part of my life!”

Jinyoung turned to look at him again, eyes narrowed into a glare. 

“ _Eight years_ , Jaebum. We didn’t speak or see each other for _eight years_. That’s not being part of someone’s life!”

“You think I wasn’t thinking about you? I thought about you _all the time!_ Half my songs are about you!”

Jinyoung knew this. He remembered feeling like a teenager again the night he and Jaebum spent listening to all the songs he wrote thinking about him. He remembered the light, love struck notes of _‘Q’_ Jaebum had written for a boy group, and the seductive way another artist crooned out the lyrics for _‘Sunrise.’_ Jaebum had even played a heart-wrenching ballad titled _‘1:31am’_ that would be on Youngjae’s next album.

He had been embarrassed and giddy and so full of love for the man who had written songs about him. But none of it took away the fear that they would end up exactly where they were eight years ago. Only this time, there would be no reunion. It would just be Jinyoung, left with a shattered heart and nowhere to go home to. Because even returning to the farm wouldn’t fill the void left by Jaebum.

“I don't—” he cut himself off and started again. “Maybe we did move too fast.”

He watched Jaebum's shoulders drop. “Jinyoung—”

“Jaebum—” he looked at the person he loved more than anything in the world — more than the farm, more than writing, more than his own life — and felt his heart aching from a tragedy that hadn't happened yet. 

The front door opened, and for the second time that night, Jaebum's mother interrupted as if sensing heartache was her superpower.

“I thought you went to bed?” She looked between them. “Is everything ok?”

“Yeah,” Jaebum replied, his quiet voice betraying the lie. “We'll be in soon.”

She glanced between them again. “Make it sooner, I don't want you catching a cold out here.”

She held the door open a bit wider, signaling that “sooner” meant “now.” Jinyoung smiled at her as they entered the house. No matter how old they grew, or for how many years Jaebum lived away from home, they always seemed to revert back to the same teenagers she often had to drag inside late at night. 

The things left unsaid between them hung in the air as they changed and prepared for bed in silence. He could feel Jaebum's eyes on him, but ignored it. He had no energy left to continue their conversation. Not tonight.

Once in bed, they lay with too much space between them. Even under the covers, Jinyoung felt as if the cold from outside had sunk deep below his skin and refused to be shaken. Several minutes ticked slowly by, and Jinyoung was wondering if he should have taken the guest bedroom, when Jaebum spoke. 

“I love you, Jinyoung- _ah_ ,” the words stuck in Jinyoung's throat as if he was the one who said them. He closed his eyes, hoping the sting behind them would go away. 

He sighed. For all the hurt and unsaid things between them, he still loved Jaebum.

“You too, _hyung_.”

 

* * *

 

Jinyoung had fallen into a restless sleep, waking with each small movement or sound. By the time the blue pre-dawn light was filtering through the bedroom window, he was already wide awake, watching Jaebum’s face slowly become more visible through the fading darkness.

He had lost count of how many mornings had he done this, even when he was a teenager...

Just watching Jaebum sleep, his face soft and relaxed. Void of every burden and pressure the world placed on his shoulders. Jinyoung wished this alone could be enough to rid him of the anxiety and uncertainties that had made themselves a constant presence since they moved in together. Before, when Jinyoung still had an escape, a way out, he felt only disbelieving joy that Jaebum loved him. That Jinyoung could hold his hand and press soft kisses to his lips and wake up next to him. Now that his way out had been taken, everything that once made his heart skip with giddy delight made him fear that one day he would lose it and he would be left with nothing.

He sat up slowly and left as quietly as he could, careful not to wake Jaebum. It wasn’t quite 7am yet, but the horses wouldn’t care if breakfast was a bit early. Besides, he needed to get out. Away from Jaebum.

He needed to think.

After changing, he crept downstairs and bundled up in his hat and scarf. The previous night’s snow dusted across the grass and driveway — enough that it would glint and sparkle beautifully as the sun rose, but still didn’t quite hide the tips of the grass peeking through. He looked up, the sky still held a few, lingering clouds, but promised a clear day that would melt the snow as if it had never been there.

Hunched against the bitter cold, he walked towards the path that connected the Im and Park’s homes through the woods. He still remembered their fathers chuckling as they cleared the narrow trail.

_“You’ve practically cleared it yourselves with how much you two walk through here,”_ Jaebum’s father had said.

Jinyoung smiled fondly at the memory. Even after so many years, their parents still kept it clear. As if they knew one day Jaebum and Jinyoung would need it again.

As he passed his house, he could already see the warm yellow glow coming from the kitchen window that looked out the back. No doubt his father was preparing breakfast as his mother and guests slept in.

“Morning guys,” he muttered affectionately as he entered through the side door of the barn. 

The sound immediately drew eager whinnies and a few bangs as horses kicked or nosed at their empty feed buckets. Jinyoung smiled. The sound held nostalgia and memories of tiredly trudging down the aisle with Jaebum after a sleepover. He was brought back to the many mornings before horse shows when they would wake at 4am and be on the road by 6. Jinyoung used to whine and complain and wonder out loud why he had to love something that woke him up so early in the morning.

Now that it had been absent from his life for two months, he longed for the early mornings and bitter cold. The smell of grain and sound of horses’ snorts and whinnies. He longed for the life he knew he loved. The one that was familiar and...safe.

He paused outside one of the stalls, the scoop halfway dug into the grain of the feed cart. Sudal, the little bay pony whose breakfast he was supposed to be serving, let out a high, impatient whinny. 

He scooped the grain and dumped it into his bucket.

_Safe._

Suddenly that word made everything come together.

Seoul wasn’t safe.

Moving in with his boyfriend of six months wasn’t safe.

Trusting that he and Jaebum wouldn’t fail each other. That they wouldn’t allow themselves to drift apart the way they had before. Believing they could focus a little more on each other while still pursuing their own ambitions and lives. And at the same time, sacrificing their own selfish desires. Like time together. Like living at the farm. Like spending every free weekend driving two hours to a hometown Jaebum had worked so hard to escape…

He hadn’t been prepared for what all of that meant. The risk they were taking. The risk that they _couldn’t_ be all of what they needed to be for each other. The risk that they were going to hurt each other. The risk that the person he loved would turn into a person he despised or who despised him.

He hadn't prepared himself for the risk that he could lose Jaebum a second time.

Jinyoung rolled the grain cart into the feed room.

He wanted _safe_. He wanted surety that nothing would go wrong. That there would be no obstacles or things to overcome in their relationship. He had wanted everything to be like it was in his novels. Had wanted finding and falling in love with Jaebum again to be a happy ending with no sequel.

And yet here he was. The main character in his own love story, stumbling through a sequel he worried wouldn’t have the happy ending he was hoping for.

Because he thought simply loving Jaebum would be enough.

He smiled at himself. How naive he was...

As if Jinyoung’s thoughts had summoned him, Jaebum entered the aisle through the lounge door. He saw Jinyoung, halfway down the aisle, on his way to the loft ladder so he could start throwing hay into the stalls.

“Jaebum—” he stopped, swallowed. Not quite ready to face him yet.

Jaebum smiled softly, as if he too had been plagued with his own thoughts through the night, despite how soundly he had been sleeping when Jinyoung left. He was bundled in a thick black coat, his hair pushed down into his eyes by a golden yellow beanie. Jinyoung’s heart gave a little skip as Jaebum stopped in front of him. How badly he wanted to step closer and have Jaebum wrap his arms around him like the best kind of security blanket.

“Need some help?”

So they weren’t going to talk about last night.

He smiled. “Sure.”

They fell into their rhythm — Jinyoung climbing the ladder up to the loft to throw hay down, and Jaebum loading two bales into the wheelbarrow before wheeling it down the aisle to give out. Once enough bales had been tossed into the aisle, Jinyoung climbed back down, moved them aside for Jaebum, and began filling water buckets.

Jaebum wheeled passed him to pick up another bale of hay, then wheeled by again. They didn’t speak, but Jinyoung felt a comfort in it. Their morning routine had always been quiet. 

After finishing with the water, Jinyoung waited patiently for Jaebum to throw the last flake of hay into the final stall. He didn’t know what they did from here. Did they talk about last night? Did they pretend it didn’t happen? 

He felt like they fought, but did they? He wasn’t _angry_. He was confused. Scared. Unsure about everything including his own inability to move forward. He felt like he was constantly trying to recreate what made him happy in the past because he was too afraid of what the path ahead of him might look like.

“Hey…” Jaebum’s soft voice made Jinyoung look at him. His somber expression was enough to tell Jinyoung that yes, they were going to talk about last night.

And before breakfast.

Jinyoung wasn’t sure if he wanted to have this conversation without coffee. He didn’t want to have it at all.

“We have to let the horses out,” he tried in a lame protest to escape.

Jaebum’s expression softened. Jinyoung could hear the silent, _I know what you’re trying to do_ , and sighed, defeated. He pulled his phone from his pocket.

“Just let me call my parents and ask if one of them can do it.”

“I stopped at the house before I came down here.”

Jinyoung looked at Jaebum, who seemed to be having difficulty not smiling. He held his hand out for Jinyoung to take.

“Please?”

Jinyoung’s eyes dropped to his hand. It looked warm and inviting and... _safe_. Slowly, he reached out and took it. Jaebum’s fingers interlaced with his and Jinyoung felt like a boat anchored against turbulent seas. Such a simple thing, he thought. All it took was Jaebum’s hand in his and he felt grounded. Stable. 

"Remember that cafe we used to go to?" Jaebum asked as they walked out.

Jinyoung nodded, smiling a bit. "The _ahjumma_ asked about you every time I walked in there."

It was a bittersweet memory. For eight years he had to endure talking about Jaebum like it hadn't hurt every time. It had been several months since he had been to the cafe and he wondered if the woman would be shocked to see he and Jaebum walk in together.

As they drove into the small town, Jinyoung thought about what he could possibly say. He wished Jaebum would turn the radio on just to give him _something_ to distract from the heavy silence between them. 

Too soon it seemed, they were pulling into the cafe parking lot. Jinyoung unbuckled his seatbelt and reached for the door, but Jaebum stopped him.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. I should have.”

His hand froze on the handle. He was hoping for coffee at least before they had this conversation. Reluctantly, he drew his hand away and sat back.

“It’s not your fault,” he replied quietly, keeping his eyes trained on the dashboard.

“It is. I should have been there more and I wasn’t.”

“You were busy—”

“You’re more important.”

Jinyoung felt his heart lurch. He hadn’t realized how badly he needed to hear those words. The ‘I love yous’ and the ‘I’m sorrys’ slowly lost their meaning over time if nothing changed.

He turned to look at Jaebum, who stared back.

_‘You’re more important,'_ he said.

He always thought Jaebum’s life — his music, his career — had always been more important than him. He left Jinyoung once for them, why wouldn’t he do it again? 

He wanted to trust he wouldn't. He wanted to believe they would find a way to make it work...

“What if I never get used to it,” he whispered. “What if I can never get used to Seoul?”

Sighing, Jaebum unbuckled his seatbelt so he could turn in his seat. He reached out and curled his hand around the back of Jinyoung's neck.

“We don’t have to live in Seoul forever,” he said, eyes locked in Jinyoung's. “It’s just where I work and where I happen to live right now."

“It’s not just about Seoul.”

Jaebum's expression softened. 

“I know.”

“We didn’t see each other for eight years...sometimes I wonder if we’re just in love with who we were and not who we are.”

Jaebum frowned. “Do you think I’ve changed that much?”

Jinyoung thought about Jaebum’s expensive clothes and luxury car. He thought about the ease in which he walked through the streets surrounded by the concrete monsters Jinyoung still couldn’t get used to. He thought about how Jaebum’s apartment was filled with trendy, modern decor, and the celebrity friends he made as an idol trainee. 

Then he thought about how Jaebum’s favorite piece of clothing was the old, oversized red hoodie Jinyoung bought him when they were 15. He thought about how he still swept and vacuumed and cleaned out the cats’ litter box, and even complained about the way Jinyoung left dirty clothes on the bathroom floor and dirty dishes in the sink. He thought about all the things that hadn’t changed, and felt foolish that he ever thought expensive clothes and celebrity friends made Jaebum a different person than the one he fell in love with as a kid…

He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Jaebum’s. 

“No.”

Jaebum smiled and kissed him back. “Good.”

Silence passed between them, and Jinyoung finally said what had been bothering him since they pulled into his parents’ driveway. 

“I don’t even know _what_ home is anymore.”

Another short silence.

“Can I tell you what home is for me?” Jaebum replied quietly.

Jinyoung looked at him.

“You.”

They stared at each other. Jinyoung's lips curved into a smile. 

"You're so corny."

Jaebum grinned and leaned forward to kiss him again. 

"It's all those romance novels I read."

Still smiling, he leaned away again and shut off the car. Once they were out, Jinyoung grabbed his hand. Jaebum looked back curiously and Jinyoung tightened his hold.

"I want to make this work, Jaebum."

Turning so they were facing each other, Jaebum brushed Jinyoung's bangs from his face.

"I know."

Jinyoung looked at him seriously. “What if we can’t?”

Jaebum gently lifted Jinyoung’s chin up with his forefinger. His thumb brushed the corner of Jinyoung’s lips as he spoke.

“It’s ok to be scared, Jinyoung. I just want you to trust me enough to know I love you too much to make the same mistake I did before.”

Jinyoung felt a swell of emotion rise up through his chest and into the back of his throat.

“I do trust you.”

“Do you?”

He kept his eyes locked with Jaebum’s.

“I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t.”

Jaebum smiled as if Jinyoung were a student who had just given the right answer to a difficult question. He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

"I trust you too.”

Jinyoung felt foolish, standing next to their car, the winter air making his cheeks and ears red. He didn’t want to imagine what the woman in the cafe would think if she saw them out of her window like this. Or — god forbid — someone pulled into the parking lot.

“I know it’s not perfect. I know Seoul isn’t here, and I know I haven’t been there to make it easier.”

The lump in Jinyoung’s throat grew. He tried to swallow around it, but it refused to budge.

“I’ll do better,” Jaebum promised. “I don’t want you to feel like Seoul can never be home. But I understand if it never will be.”

Jinyoung bit his lip and looked down, his eyes catching on their hands. For the first time, he felt like Jaebum was walking next to him down the unknown path ahead of them, rather than leaving Jinyoung behind to find his own way. He tightened his hold. Maybe he had simply let Jaebum move forward while he stayed in the same place, desperate to turn back on a path that had no return. He could only move forward.

"I'll try," he replied quietly. "I can't promise I'll ever love it the way you do, but I'll try."

Jaebum smiled.

"Thank you."


	6. Chapter 6

_“You,”_ Jackson imitated Jaebum's deep voice before letting out a shrill, delighted, _“Aaah!”_

Jinyoung watched him half disappear from the screen as he rocked backwards. He sprung back up with a wide grin. Next to him, Mark rolled his eyes, but Jinyoung couldn't help but grin back. His heart felt lighter than it had in months. 

He had just finished telling Mark and Jackson everything that happened while he and Jaebum were visiting home. It still felt strange to consider his returns _visits_ , but if he was going to move forward, he supposed he had to start getting used to it.

Seoul was his home now. A part of him was still terrified thinking about it. But the other part — the part that loved Jaebum and wanted to at least _try_ , gave him a sense of hope he didn’t have before.

“Jaebum really is a romantic isn't he?” Jackson said. He glanced at Mark. “Maybe he could give _someone_ lessons.”

Mark rolled his eyes again and adjusted the laptop so Jackson was off screen. “I'm romantic.”

Jackson swiveled the laptop back around and leaned forward so his face filled the entire screen. 

“He's not,” he leaned back again, adding in a sulky tone, “You're lucky, Jinyoung. Jaebum writes you _ballads_. All I get are hoodies and basketball shorts.”

“And couple rings and necklaces _and_ bracelets, you ungrateful jackass,” Mark said off screen.

Jinyoung let his mind wander as his friends bickered, still thinking about all that had happened between him and Jaebum. After months of pretending and feeling homesick and anxiously waiting for an end that might never come, he felt content. 

Things weren't perfect. Jinyoung's heart had grown heavy as they piled clothes, books, and other possessions into Jaebum's car before returning to Seoul the previous day. His parents told him more than once it wasn't necessary. That they could return his room to...well, _his_ room. And there had been a fleeting moment when he wanted to say yes. The ache that seemed ever-present on days he missed the farm most told him it was what he wanted.

But then he looked at Jaebum. 

Jaebum, who had promised to do better. Jaebum, who listened patiently as Jinyoung unloaded every worry and poisonous thought over coffee that had eventually grown cold as they sat for hours in their hometown cafe.

In that moment, as he caught Jaebum's eye over the hood of the car before they drove from his childhood home, he understood what it meant to find home in a person. 

It wasn't that the farm was no longer home. And maybe Seoul would never be a place he could love. There would always be a part of him that longed for open skies and the smell of trees and horses. For Jinyoung, finding home in Jaebum meant knowing they could lift each other up when the other fell. It meant he could tell Jaebum about his worries and Jaebum would listen. Finding home in a person was finding trust and comfort and love.

Finding home in a place...well…

He was still working on that. He was trying. Because he loved Jaebum even if he didn't love Seoul. He would try to find little things that made him happy. Like the cafe down the street and Yugyeom's unannounced visits and even his dark brown hair. 

So here he was, in _his_ and Jaebum’s Seoul apartment, sitting at _their_ kitchen counter, with the notes for his novel scattered across the surface. His laptop sat open in front of him, with Mark and Jackson still bantering back and forth on the other side of the screen from their own home in Hong Kong. 

 _“So,”_ Mark continued as if their conversation had never been interrupted. _“You're really okay now?”_

Jackson looked at him in concern, and Jinyoung offered him a reassuring smile. 

“We're working through it.”

It still felt strange. Thinking of _Jaebum’s_ apartment as _his_ apartment sometimes felt unreal. He wondered if after months or even years of trying, what would happen if he couldn't bring himself to be happy in Seoul...

“Did it take you long?” he asked, looking at Mark. “To get used to Hong Kong?”

Mark’s worried expression morphed into a soft, fond smile. _“It took a little time.”_

“You don’t miss LA sometimes?”

“Of course I do,” Jinyoung saw him reach for Jackson’s hand off camera. “But, I’m happy here too.”

Jinyoung looked at Jackson, remembering the way he had followed Mark to Los Angeles without hesitation when they were still just teenagers. He thought Jackson was crazy back then. _‘Why chase after someone who wouldn’t do the same for you?’_ he asked.

Jackson had grinned at him. _‘I’ll make him want to.’_

And Mark had. After Jackson moved back to Hong Kong mere months after their relationship began, Mark followed him a year later and never looked back.

Jinyoung hoped one day he could find the same happiness in Seoul that Mark found in Hong Kong.

“Jinyoung,” Jackson’s voice brought him back. “You don’t think Jaebum would have asked you to live with him if he thought it wouldn’t work, do you?”

Jinyoung bit his lip. A part of him always worried about it. That Jaebum had only suggested they live together because it was convenient, not because he thought Jinyoung truly _belonged_ there. He was beginning to understand how foolish he was.

“No, ” he replied. 

The soft beep and whir of the front door unlocking made him smile.

“Not anymore.”

Jaebum stepped into the kitchen moments later.

“Oh,” his eyes widened in surprise before turning up into his crescent moon smile. Warmth blossomed in Jinyoung’s chest. 

 _“Jaebum-ah!”_ Jackson greeted with intentional over-enthusiastic glee. _“Jinyoung-ie was just telling us about your trip_ _home. Think you can teach Mark some of your lines— OW!”_

Jaebum and Jinyoung laughed as Mark cuffed Jackson over the head.

 _“I bet Jaebum doesn’t hit Jinyoung_ , _”_ Jackson grumbled, ducking another swipe from Mark.

 _“Nice to see you again, Jaebum,”_ Mark slung his arm around Jackson’s neck and wrestled him down, out of the camera’s view. _“Talk to you later?”_

Off camera, Jackson whined loudly, but Mark held him down as Jinyoung and Jaebum each said their goodbyes. The call ended, and the screen went black, leaving them in silence.

Jinyoung glanced at the time. 9:45pm.

“You’re early,” he said, unable to keep the happiness from his voice.

Jaebum leaned in and kissed him before standing straight again. He was grinning. 

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Grin widening, Jaebum replied, "I have the whole weekend off."

Jinyoung's eyebrow arched higher.

"We can go home if you want."

_Ah._

Jinyoung felt his heart give the tiniest flutter. Months ago it would have leapt. He would have given anything to go back every weekend if he could have.

But that was before yesterday.

Before he promised Jaebum he would try to make Seoul as much of a home as he could. Maybe it was a small effort, but for now, it was a start.

"I think...I want to stay here this weekend."

Jaebum looked at him and Jinyoung couldn't help but smile at his shocked expression. Of all the answers Jinyoung could have given, that was clearly the last one Jaebum expected.

"Are you sure?"

He stood so he and Jaebum were standing close enough to kiss. Reaching up, he tugged gently on one of the locks of hair falling across Jaebum's forehead.

"Yeah," he let his fingers trail down Jaebum's face, gently following the curve of his cheek, then wrapped his hand around the back of his neck like Jaebum so often did with him. The hair Jaebum had cut short was beginning to grow out again, making it soft between his fingers.

"I want to spend time with you, here."

“You’re sure?” he reached out and gently brushed Jinyoung’s hair back. His fingers were gentle and caressing as they always were. Jinyoung found himself wishing they hadn’t waited so long to find each other again, and happy they still had time to make up for it.

He smiled. Jaebum's moon and star earrings swayed and winked when the silver caught the kitchen light as Jinyoung pulled him down. Their lips met, soft and gentle, and simple, but enough to fill Jinyoung to the brim with warmth. It gave him hope and faith in a future he couldn’t see clearly until now.

Maybe one day, he thought, they could find a small farm just outside of Seoul. Jinyoung could have his open skies, green fields, and cold, early mornings greeted by the snorts and whinnies of a few horses. Jaebum could have a small studio in their home. They would have a home made for just the two of them.

“Yeah, I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is the end! I am so much happier with this sequel than I was with Yesterday, Today. I hope you have all enjoyed the second part of Jinyoung and Jaebum's story! Thank you for all the kudos and comments, they have been so encouraging <3
> 
> For anyone attending who or has already attended any of the shows for the Keep Spinning tour, I hope you all have (or had) an amazing time!!


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